Me & My Boobs

 

27046328_10214004730859881_1675753913_oThe relationship between me and my boobs has been a rocky one. When I was twelve years old and had these giant C cup breasts that attracted endless weirdos, some of them sexually assaulting me, I grew resent towards my poor breasts. Actually, I hated them. I believed if I didn’t have them, then men would leave me be, and I wouldn’t have had these traumatic experiences. I blamed my boobs for it all.

In my twenties, my boobs fell. I don’t know if it was because I had such large ones so early, and it was a natural dance with gravity; but, I was very upset and angry. I felt betrayed by my own breasts. I thought I had finally found value in them as I was modeling and just became an exotic dancer. I needed my boobs! They let me down again. After overhearing a man call them ‘pancake tits’, I decided on plastic surgery.

The first surgery didn’t go well. The surgeon went through the arm pit and under the muscle wall. The implants never dropped down and I had these two hard lumps high on my chest. I had to wait a year before they could be fixed. The second surgery was a success, and while they were going in anyway, I decided on going a bit larger. Double D’s.

Sadly, I viewed my boobs, along with the rest of my body as a commodity. My business assets. The self care I practiced was an investment and unfortunately empty of self love.

In my thirties, was probably the only time I really loved and appreciated my boobs, when I breast fed. What a miracle I was equipped with these beautiful tools that nurtured my baby.

After time, and breastfeeding my boobs have dropped into a very natural looking state. However, I have been retired from dancing and modeling for over ten years, and lugging this weight on my chest is a chore that can’t be good for my back. I have been thinking that eventually I will need a reduction.

When I began learning to listen to my body a few years ago, I thought of my poor boobs and how I have never appreciated them and I began sending them love and thanking them for valuable life lessons. I was grateful my resent had never turned into sickness and cancer.

A few months ago, during my mammogram, some tiny calcifications were found in my right breast. They tried to remove them during a regular biopsy but were unable to reach them. They are high up and behind the muscle wall. Last week I had surgery. Everything went well and I am recouping pretty good. I was a little traumatized when I changed the bandage and saw the size of the scar. I was expecting the smaller one from my first biopsy, but, this one is bigger, about two inches. My poor breast all bruised. I sat and cried.

My heart goes out to the many women who wake up with no breast. How many warriors have a real battle with breast cancer.

Today I have a follow up appointment. They will tell me if the lumps were cancer. I have been assured that even if so, because we caught it so early, it will be not only treatable, but curable. I am deeply grateful.

I wonder if other women have relationships with their breasts like I have had. Disappointment, anger or resent, and how our own emotions develop sickness within us.

I pray all women learn to love their boobs. That men will appreciate and respect them. That society will stop objectifying and sexualizing them. That we can all heal our own self hate and therefore the illness that develops from the negativity we inflict on our poor bodies.

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Carless but not Homeless

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I mentioned in my update that my car was broken down. The week before Thanksgiving I spent $1000. on repairs. Two hundred to replace a windshield that my daughter had kicked in during an episode, and eight hundred to replace a line that went from my power steering to my coolant. The very next day from the garage, it started feeling like it wasn’t in gear. I tried heavier on the gas; but,  the car wouldn’t hardly go, and didn’t go passed 35/40mph. I ran a few errands and just parked it to deal with after the holiday. We carpooled to and back from Pa. When we came home, I tried to drive my daughter to school and it was worse, it barely moved, even though I was flooring the gas. I managed to get it parked again. When I decided to try it again, I tried to reverse and it went forward! I couldn’t move forward because of bushes so now, I was stuck.

I felt lost. I have always depended on boyfriends to help me with car troubles. Seeing as I refuse to be in co-dependency, there are some things that I am learning to deal with for the first time in my life. It reminds me of when I was pumping gas once, and there was an elderly lady confused and asked me for help to pump her gas. She explained that her husband always pumped it and she had never learned. Now he was gone. I remember thinking that it was sad. Here I was in a similar situation. I started with the transmission fluid. My daughter’s boyfriend helped me check it and put a little in and nothing. I asked my neighbor if her husband knew anything about transmissions. He did; but I had to wait for the weekend for him to look at it. He concluded it may be the sun gear in my transmission, and suggested I call the garage and ask for prices. If I decided to bring it to the garage, he said it should run in third gear and he would help me push it out. The garage couldn’t give me any price until they looked at it; but, that transmission repairs were expensive. The vehicle is a 2003 Chevy trailblazer. I wasn’t sure anymore if it was worth fixing. That decision was made for me on first snowfall. When maintenance came to plow, I explained my situation but they still had to tow it away.

I cried as they put it on the lift, but, part of me felt relieved. I was done. The car used to me my ex’es. I never felt like it was mine. Maybe its a symbolic break from what isn’t aligned with me anymore. Out with the old, in with the new. I wanted just to leave it at the tow place; Until, I researched and found that wasn’t an option. Tow companies continue to charge storage. I even found a story of one person who couldn’t buy a house because there were over $10,000. in tow/storage fees on their credit. My next thought was donate it; but, found out I couldn’t because of the fees. Then I spoke with the tow company and explained my entire situation. He was very nice. He said to come in and pay the fees ($250.) and then they would help me put more fluid in and go from there. After putting more fluid in, the gears didn’t even engage and it was concluded that my transmission was shot.  Then the best option was to junk it to them. As soon as my duplicate title comes in I will complete the paperwork and sign it over. Meanwhile, the tow company isn’t charging anymore storage. My daughter and I went to say our formal goodbye to “Ol’ Blue”. It has been an emotional drawled out goodbye process.

 

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The day the towed Old Blue way…24955786_10213703285843944_4132263020141029903_o

Its been rough being carless. Walking to the grocery store this time of year is no treat. As bad as it seems, I know it can always be worst. I can’t help but to think about people who have no home and are in the cold, with no one. I reflect on the time my daughter and I were homeless. Just before Christmas of 2010, we finally found a 1br apartment of our own. The community had helped us so much with food and gifts and even rent. I was so full of gratitude, I wrote the editor of the local newspaper. They in return wanted to do a story on me. They found it inspiring and perfect for the holiday. I have to admit, to this day, I am a little bit embarrassed for being on the front page of the newspaper as the “local woman’s struggles teach her life lessons.” But, my daughter was proud of me and part of my mission is to always be open about my story.

Here’s a link to the newspaper article:

http://www.seacoastonline.com/article/20101224/NEWS/12240387

In reflection and gratitude, I find peace. Yes, I am carless, but, I am not homeless.

I am deeply grateful for all I have.

This time of year can be rough. If for any reason, you are feeling like you are not enough, or don’t have enough; please take a moment to think of others that aren’t as fortunate and find gratitude.

I want to wish you all the Merriest of Holidays.

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