All my relationship fears were confirmed last Thursday when my boyfriend finally raised his hand to me and hit me in the head.
We’ve been together for over 2 years. He is a very good man in so many ways. There were a few incidents that made me wonder in the beginning. The first year we were together he didn’t call his mom on mother’s day. I thought it was terrible; especially having lost my own mother. Then he didn’t go to his sister’s birthday party. These things seem small, but I worried. I had read somewhere along the way to be careful of dating someone who doesn’t have good outside relationships with friends, family, etc., I am happy to see that those bonds did strengthen the time we were together; but, I still saw a disconnection in him.
There was a side to him that only came out a few times that scared me. An angry, hateful and childish side and only came out if he had too much to drink. The first incident, we argued and he took a large knife into the bathroom and threatened to kill himself. I was mortified. My daughter was coming home from Alaska that week and all I could think is, what if she were here. He begged for forgiveness and swore he would never do it again. There were a few times after he drank and got ugly, but nothing major until right before we moved into this house in December. The night before our moving date, he made fun of my PTSD (from abuse) and pushed me “accidentally” into the door and the doorknob bruised my back. Again my daughter wasn’t there. I had written it off because we both drank and were emotional about moving, etc., In the back of my mind, I hoped that moving together into a big beautiful house might make everything better. It didn’t.
The past six months I’ve been stressed and unhappy in my relationship; but, I continued to work on myself. I learned to give myself emotional support and encouragement. I learned to care for myself but I still wanted recognition. Sometimes being in the same room with him hurt, because the silence was deafening. I rationalized and looked at all the good qualities he has, and there are many. He is an excellent provider. He kissed me every morning before he left for work and everyday when he came home. We were a good team in so many ways. I thought the rest would come. The emotional connection would develop over time.
Last Thursday changed everything. We had only a few glasses of wine. He was grumpy, but when I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. When I said, “whatever”, he said, “exactly.” It was obvious something was wrong; but instead of talking it just festered. We continued to bicker. I said something about my therapist, and he made fun of me. I asked why he didn’t give me any support on my blogging, he made fun of that too. He finally reached his breaking point and got up grabbed my head shook it and hit me in the side of it before he walked away.
(pause to cry)
Sad to say, but I have been through this before and he knows that I have. He knew this is the one thing that would seal our fate. The next morning he begged for forgiveness; but there’s no going back after that. He swears that isn’t him and he will never do it again; but, the truth is, that it is a part of him that he needs to heal. He says he will get help and go to therapy and I sincerely hope he does so he can live a healthy whole life; but, I can’t take the chance of living under the same roof while he does. I have to make sure my daughter and I are safe. I don’t have the energy to work on this with him, AND heal myself AND raise my daughter. He says he made the mistake of his life that night. Sometimes good people do bad things. It’s what a person does after that makes them who they are.
Who knows what the future will bring. After I move out and he goes to therapy, we will both be beginning new lives. My therapist gave me rules and one of them is no dates or contact for three months after I move. She also gave me the rule no physical contact; but, we held each other and cried. Neither one of us understands what happened. We just know what we have to do.