My boyfriend hit me :,-(

crying photo: Crying Angel CryingAngel2.jpg

All my relationship fears were confirmed last Thursday when my boyfriend finally raised his hand to me and hit me in the head.

We’ve been together for over 2 years. He is a very good man in so many ways. There were a few incidents that made me wonder in the beginning. The first year we were together he didn’t call his mom on mother’s day. I thought it was terrible; especially having lost my own mother. Then he didn’t go to his sister’s birthday party. These things seem small, but I worried. I had read somewhere along the way to be careful of dating someone who doesn’t have good outside relationships with friends, family, etc., I am happy to see that those bonds did strengthen the time we were together; but, I still saw a disconnection in him.

There was a side to him that only came out a few times that scared me. An angry, hateful and childish side and only came out if he had too much to drink. The first incident, we argued and he took a large knife into the bathroom and threatened to kill himself. I was mortified. My daughter was coming home from Alaska that week and all I could think is, what if she were here. He begged for forgiveness and swore he would never do it again. There were a few times after he drank and got ugly, but nothing major until right before we moved into this house in December. The night before our moving date, he made fun of my PTSD (from abuse) and pushed me “accidentally” into the door and the doorknob bruised my back. Again my daughter wasn’t there. I had written it off because we both drank and were emotional about moving, etc., In the back of my mind, I hoped that moving together into a big beautiful house might make everything better. It didn’t.

The past six months I’ve been stressed and unhappy in my relationship; but, I continued to work on myself. I learned to give myself emotional support and encouragement. I learned to care for myself but I still wanted recognition. Sometimes being in the same room with him hurt, because the silence was deafening. I rationalized and looked at all the good qualities he has, and there are many. He is an excellent provider. He kissed me every morning before he left for work and everyday when he came home. We were a good team in so many ways. I thought the rest would come. The emotional connection would develop over time.

Last Thursday changed everything. We had only a few glasses of wine. He was grumpy, but when I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. When I said, “whatever”, he said, “exactly.” It was obvious something was wrong; but instead of talking it just festered. We continued to bicker. I said something about my therapist, and he made fun of me. I asked why he didn’t give me any support on my blogging, he made fun of that too. He finally reached his breaking point and got up grabbed my head shook it and hit me in the side of it before he walked away.

(pause to cry)

Sad to say, but I have been through this before and he knows that I have. He knew this is the one thing that would seal our fate. The next morning he begged for forgiveness; but there’s no going back after that. He swears that isn’t him and he will never do it again; but, the truth is, that it is a part of him that he needs to heal. He says he will get help and go to therapy and I sincerely hope he does so he can live a healthy whole life; but, I can’t take the chance of living under the same roof while he does. I have to make sure my daughter and I are safe. I don’t have the energy to work on this with him, AND heal myself AND raise my daughter. He says he made the mistake of his life that night. Sometimes good people do bad things. It’s what a person does after that makes them who they are.

Who knows what the future will bring. After I move out and he goes to therapy, we will both be beginning new lives. My therapist gave me rules and one of them is no dates or contact for three months after I move. She also gave me the rule no physical contact; but, we held each other and cried. Neither one of us understands what happened. We just know what we have to do.

 

 

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49 thoughts on “My boyfriend hit me :,-(

  1. I support your decision. I know how difficult it is. I came to the same conclusion twice. We need to figure out why we keep choosing the same type and pattern?

    • Thanks Meridith, Yes I have asked myself, What is wrong with me? Why do I attract this? I also think that men in general have difficulty with their emotions and expressing them, and that becomes unhealthy for them and those around him.

  2. I think you know I am a therapist so I’m going to say some things from that perspective. Let me know if you prefer I not do that.

    I am SO glad that you know you have to end the relationship, at least for the foreseeable future. His words are what abusers always say. You and your daughter deserve a life of love and of safety.

    You can’t control his use of alcohol but you can see what a link there is between alcohol and his behavior. You also mention you were drinking in several of these altercations. I’m wondering if YOU have the strength to give it up. Being alcohol free would also make a big difference in your life.

    I’m glad your therapist is giving you strong guidelines. And I’m glad you have the support of the blogging community. Count me as part of that! WordPress has a very strong and loving community.

    • Thanks Karuna for your professional perspective. I think alcohol lowers the shields people put up and their vulnerable selves appear. What type of self depends on the person. I admit I have have depended too heavily on alcohol during certain times of my life. After my mom died, I drank for a whole year almost everyday. These days I drink a few glasses of wine a few days a week. I don’t think that is dysfunctional; but when I am stronger, maybe on my own with my daughter, I will give it up.

      • Yes, it lowers the shields and also people often do things they wouldn’t do if they weren’t drinking. I’m glad you have cut your drinking so much. People often start with an agreement that they won’t drink to shift feeling states, i.e. drink because they feel mad, sad or scared. Maybe that would be a place for you to begin! 🙂

      • Thank you and Yes! I totally get that, because that is one of my personal rules. I don’t drink to escape, that is when I know I’m in trouble. I also do not like to drink to get drunk. Thanks so much for your advice:)

    • Thanks Doreen, I appreciate and need the prayers. I have to believe there is a higher plan that I just can’t see yet.

  3. Good for you for making changes in your life to create a better life for both you and your daughter. You both deserve the best. Stay strong. You have a wonderful blog and tons of love and support here. 🙂

  4. My thoughts go out to you, deeply. I am sorry you are experiencing this. But I absolutely applaud you for making the decision that you did. You seem to have a good connection with yourself. Much love 🙂

  5. Stories like yours really hit close to home. I am sorry for what you’re going through. I have never been in that situation myself but growing up it’s all I witnessed (dad beating mum) I know it’s not the same as the effect is indirect but like you in a relationship if my partner were to beat me that would IT for me… Your decision was a brave one to make but in the end your daughter will not see you in this twisted relationship, no daughter wants to her mummy getting hurt… the effect that it will have on her own relationships in the future is devastating. Wishing you all the healing in the world.

    • Thanks hun, I’m so sorry you had to witness abuse like that. My daughter is precisely the reason for me sticking to this choice. ❤

  6. Well done for having the strength to walk away. You’re stronger than you think you are. I know you’re probably still hurting right now, but you’ve done the right thing to protect yourself and your daughter. Who knows what the future holds, but chances are it’s someone who knows how to treat you right. *Sends virtual hugs* x

  7. Going through some of your older posts and this one made me cry. I’m so sorry you had to go through something no woman or family should have to endure. Coming from a man, I can tell you it is my firm belief that a man who preys on the woman and family that love and cherish him is one of the lowest of men that walk this earth. Some of the more liberal women might take offense, but I was raised in the old South where it is a mans job to care and protect his family, not be the thing they fear. To love and show them a home that is a safe harbor from the rest of the world, not a place of horror and resentment. You showed amazing strength and courage for taking steps to remove yourself and your daughter from this situation. Don’t ever underestimate yourself and if you start to, just ping me or any of the other commentators here, we’ll bolster you up. You have certainly earned my respect.

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  10. I’m sorry that you are in the place you are today. Just know that you have the power within yourself (it’s called the Holy Spirit) to help you through all of your tough times. Turn to Him today and let Him love you like no man can. I’m praying for you (and him) to find peace and love in the very near future. God bless you! 🙂 Dave

  11. I’m sorry for what you went through last year. Speaking as a survivor, I hope that you are in a much safer place – physically and emotionally. As I say on my blog – violence is never the answer. Blessings, Marie

    • Thanks Marie, I’m sorry for anyone who has to “survive” abuse. Many blessings to you. Looking forward to reading your blog.

      • I was just checking in to see how you were doing in regard to this situation?💖
        I also wanted to share that though the initial reconnection was overwhelming and intoxicating as well as addicting, I began to see the red flags immediately. Abusers don’t change. But some codependent personalities (like mine) provoke or allow bad behavior more than others. If you read any of Kerisjournal you can see the pattern of subtly seeing all the red flags back then and ignoring them. My story wasn’t as horrific as some, but has had an affect on who I’ve become. Perhaps why I even let him back into my life again. Trying to find closure or make it right. He came asking for “JUST forgiveness” but he actually wanted much more and almost destroyed my marriage. Run like the wind my friend, we all have different stories but abusers are very narcissistic no matter how we wish they weren’t.
        💖💖

      • So thoughtful of you to check in and follow up. I appreciate that so much. He has been in AA and therapy since then. We do NOT live together anymore but we have started seeing each other almost every weekend. I am too hurt, and too confused to figure anything else out about our relationship. I hadn’t heard of kerisjournal but just started following. Thank you again dearly. ❤

      • I am following you as well. I hate the look on people’s faces and the question”Why did you stay!?!” NO ONEwho hasn’t been in our shoes understands. But please do read my story, I had to write it to see all the red flags that I ignored from the beginning. AND then AGAIN during our last connection.
        I encourage you to go back to the very beginning if just for you and write your story. It helped me see that I was in love with the idea of who I wanted him to be and the idea of me helping him become that person. And never loved me enough to feel I deserved more than feeling as if I deserved less. If that makes any sense at all.

  12. So sorry that this has happened to you. You are brave and clearly have your head on straight. Keep strong (and safe) and know that your post shows how much love you have for your daughter, yourself and also towards this man, who just might seek help because of you, that is beautiful, hugs.

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  14. By the way, my ex even read the beginning version of my story back to me as a recorded gift (he has a beautiful reading voice and could be an audio book reader for a living if he ever lost his job) 😊 (which he won’t, he’s very successful, always a plus for him though I have a feeling he’s had anger issues there too because when we were connected he said everyone was telling him how patient he was, whatever that meant… ANYWAAAY, he cried when he read it and had to stop around chapter 8. Soooo its not that THEY (THE ABUSERS) don’t feel shame and remorse or know that their anger is unreasonable. And that also gives us hope. But its false hope. Look up codependency. We both are probably text book duplicates.😕👍💖

  15. There is in my opinion no reason on gods earth for a man to lay a single finger on a woman, and there’s no excuse for that behaviour, take care be strong x

  16. This brought tears to my eyes I am living exactly the same story of your life he put his hand on me etc. I will keep you in my prayers Dear. I can’t believe it some men can be so stupid.

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