Just Sad/My boyfriend strikes again

sad photo: sad crying.jpg

I haven’t blogged for over a month.

(Except for the very sad suicide post on Robin Williams for Wordless Wednesday)

My last written post was July 24, titled Second Chances.
My last sentence of that post was “He will never get a second second chance.”

So sad to share that a little over a week later, my boyfriend broke my heart.

During the week after my last post, my best friend (whom is also my niece’s dad) received news that his father passed.

I was there for him just as he was there for me when my mother had passed.

We have been best friends since our late teens and have been there for each other’s many ups& downs.

That weekend was the burial service. We sipped a little brandy before going, “to calm the nerves”, my nana used to say.

The service was very sad, and even sadder because my best friend’s sister lay in the ground as well, reminding us all of how her life was shortened from a car accident years ago.

My boyfriend and I went to my best friend”s (and his partners)  house for breakfast….and more brandy.

I observed that my boyfriend was drinking fast, he was a few ahead of me.

We all talked and bonded, laughed and cried.

My boyfriend expressed to my best friend and I that he was jealous of our relationship, and that he knows him and I will have that one day, and that he’s sorry if he tags along and follows us, but he wants to take a piece of that. Those were pretty much his exact words.

I bit my tongue, because I had mixed feelings about what he said. I didn’t want to discredit him from expressing  his emotions, as I recognized it as progress.

Fortunately, my best friend responded to him and I stayed silent.

A few hours later, I expressed to him that I was proud of him for verbalizing his feelings. I told him I had mixed feelings about what he said and that I was processing them. He wanted me to say what I was thinking, which I have a very hard time to speak before I process, and he knows that, but he insisted.

I said Ok, and I did my best. First of all, I explained that him and I are closer in ways that my best friend and I will never be. Also, that even if our relationship were to last as many years as my friendship, that it would still be different; because of the experiences shared, etc.,. I also said that I believed nobody can “take a piece” of someones friendship by “tagging along.”

Well, he didn’t like what he heard and that ugly personality took over. His face changed. He snickered under his breath. He mimicked my friend and I laughing. I was afraid and told my best friend, who already noticed the personality change. I was not going home with him like this.

This lasted a few hours. A few hours of both my best friend and I trying to coax him back,,,involve him. It was useless. Finally, my friend stood up and confronted him. He said enough was enough. My boyfriend lunged at him across the picnic table. Punches were thrown. I threw myself in the middle.  My best friends partner came out with a bat as my boyfriend was tackling me for the car keys, I will never forget first feeling relief as I was so scared, and then came the fear that the bat might actually be used. The two of them went at it, my best friend went at him again, and I didn’t put myself in the middle this time. I figured what ever happened he had coming to him.

Finally my best friend called the police. They arrested him and took a report. Though nobody pressed charges, the state took over and charged simple assault. The state ordered no contact until his court date. I had bruises on my arms and tears in my eyes, as the police officer asked if this has happened, and has it gotten progressively worse. Yes, I thought with great fear. Was this really happening?

The next day all I felt was sad. I wasn’t angry. Just sad. It lay heavy on my heart what he had done. Somewhere inside I died.

That week in therapy I found my anger, with the help of my therapist. When she spoke the words, Its Not Okay!!! It’s Not Okay…that he beat your best friend on the day of his dad’s burial. It’s Not Okay…that he even pick up a drink knowing that he has the potential to hurt you.

She is right. It’s not Okay!!!!

His court was on August 20th. I had terrible panic attacks thinking he was coming back home that day. I had set up a bed in the den, as my niece has my guest room. But, I was afraid, afraid of not being able or ready to hold my boundaries,,,and what the hell were they anyway? I was afraid, that if he did this because he was jealous of my best friend/family member, than how could I ever rekindle and build friendships? I was afraid, what if he drank? Will he do it again? I told him via Facebook that I thought we shouldn’t live together for a few months; but he wanted to come home, and he does pay the bills. Then the fear, anxiety and panic was relieved when I learned the prosecutor wants to speak to me before deciding penalty and the court  is continued to November 19th, with still no contact.

These past few weeks I have processed and over processed. Gratefully, I have a few month more to process and really absorb the reality.

The reality though I’ve only been able to see glimpses of it leaves me with so many mixed emotions, but mainly just terribly sad.

 

 

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11 thoughts on “Just Sad/My boyfriend strikes again

  1. This sounds absolutely devastating after your last post (relatively new follower). It does sound like you have a network of friends & family who will help you recover and set out on a new path of your own. All the best,

    • Yes, devastating is a good word. I do have family support; but, haven’t been in touch with friends too much since my mom passed. I’m planning on rebuilding my friendships. Thanks for reaching out.

  2. The best thing you can do for you is to reach out and rebuild your support network. Now. Because you need it now. It will only get harder to do what you know is right. You need people supporting you and holding you when you feel like the worst person in the world because you are hurting someone you love. The reality is you love him, you don’t trust him, realizing you don’t trust him is going to hurt him, you are going to feel responsible, you are going to feel guilty. You need people who love you to remind you that you are not responsible, and you shouldn’t have to bear the guilt. *hugs*

  3. Wow, as I am fairly new to your blog as well, it does sound like you have been through quite a lot. I want to second what hellokalykitty said and really get that support system going. You do have to trust yourself in knowing you are not responsible for anyone’s actions. It was not okay what he had done to your friend, and I am sorry that you had to witness that and have all the panic and anxiety that goes along with it. You are definitely in my thoughts and I can tell you are a strong woman, so please don’t forget your strength. ❤

  4. I agree with the comments by the others. But what sticks out for me is something you said at the beginning of this post. When you took him back after the first time he hit you, you said there would not be a second, second chance. I don’t think I’m hearing you holding to that very wise statement. (I realize he didn’t hit you, he hit your friend, but to me it is still using up his second chance.)

    Your therapist is right. It is not okay for him to hit your friend and if he would beat your friend he will beat you again. He sounds very dangerous. I’m glad that the court is extending the no contact order. Hopefully that extra time will give you the strength you need to hold to the “no second second chance” boundary.

  5. Oh my goodness. I feel like I just want to have a cup of tea with you. I also was in a relationship with someone who became violent with me and it can turn your world upside down. I’m approaching nearly two years from our (ahem, final) breakup, and my perspective just keeps growing and I’m so looking forward to insights yet to unfold.

    What really had me jumping out my seat reading your account is your “not wanting to discredit him from expressing his emotions,” and telling him you’re proud of him, and explaining things to him so rationally and patiently. I say myself in that. When abuse turns physical it is disorienting, but when we offer our best selves — our compassion, our insight, our patience, our reason, our inclination to foster growth and acceptance in ourselves and others — and it gets met with gaslighting and mockery and violence…that is where my anger comes from, in defending the best parts of myself. I love your sharing…I feel empowered by your strength, which is all throughout your writing. You go, girl. If I can’t have that cup of tea with you, I’m glad I get to meet you here!

    • Thanks so much for your support. Your comments made me well up with tears. Your encouragement means more than you know. Here’s to that cup of tea! Cheers! 🙂 ❤

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