Lately I can only get through a basic day.
No matter what level of depression or where one is in the healing process; there are daily basic battles to fight.
These are simple tasks to others; but, for anyone with a chronic illness, they are wars.
My daily basic battles:
1) Get Up
Waking up in the morning is the first challenge of the day. Sure, your eyes are open and maybe the coffee is on; but, the mind and body are fighting all the way. Depression physically and mentally cripples. A few days ago, I woke up crying. I had to fight to get up and out of bed.
2) Get Active
I’d like to say that this is where I exercise or do some great act of fitness; but getting active simply means that after I am up and out of bed, and after I have brought my daughter to school, I cannot sit on the couch and give my depression time to take over. I must get active, move my body. This is when I do my housecleaning. It is mindless and it gets me moving.
3) Get Fueled
If I don’t eat and take my medications then everything else is futile. I make myself eat something, even if it’s just a piece of toast. I also set an alarm to remind myself to take my medications. These two tasks are directly related to my feelings of self worth and that’s why they are so challenging.
4) Get Out
I force myself to get in the car and go. Most of the time I have errands; but, even if I don’t I go for a drive just to get out of the house. At one point in my life, my depression transmuted to agoraphobia. I became terrified to leave the house for months. Therefore, I must get out everyday to prevent that nightmare from happening again.
5) Get Sleep
The last but not least battle is getting to sleep. Insomnia has wrecked my life at times, not being able to sleep for days. When I don’t have proper sleep, then depression and anxiety wreak havoc on my body. I try to lay down an hour before my sleep time and then play youtube sleep meditations to relax. Sometimes, I have to play them for 2-3 hrs.
When the daily basic battle is won, only then can other tasks and projects be added.
There are so many more things I want to do. I sometimes beat myself up for not being able to. I remember I used to move through my day without thinking about it. I used to live a very full life. I feel so broken.
I would love to be able to add exercise, writing/blogging, seeing friends, working, and other productive functions. However, at this point I am happy if I can add a few a week. The daily battle leaves me drained and exhausted.
With therapy and perseverance, I will learn to move beyond the daily struggle and live a ‘normal’ and healthy life.