As you all know, I’ve been looking for an apartment for my daughter and I since late last summer. After a few frustrating months, our location’s hunt changed as I explained in my post A New Direction; I found an arts and music based high school that I believe my daughter will thrive in.
Then a few more frustrating months went by with no luck. It’s been exhausting commuting my daughter to school, (over 3 hours in the car everyday). Frustration and Exhaustion combined with the severe winter months, life was feeling pretty bleak.
Then, in early March, my caseworker told me about a place that works with housing programs, (like the one she recently placed me on). It’s not really the environment I was looking for. I didn’t want to be in an apartment complex; but, trying to find an apartment with my disability income, and housing assistance is not an easy task….so I applied. There was a lot of running around and acquiring paperwork, such as security cards, proof of incomes, etc., but I had finally completed the application process, and a unit was going to become available April 3.
Then I had to figure out my deposit. I applied for a loan from the town, which I completed yesterday. The loan was granted and they put me on an affordable, two year payment plan. A few hours later I stopped by to sign the lease, and get my keys.
At this point I should have been relieved; but, there was still another issue. I have two cats, they only knew about one. My caseworker had advised me to get in there with one cat and then ask about the other one. I had extreme anxiety because of the dishonesty. Then when we reviewed the lease, the pet policy read, “one pet”, my heart sank. I stressed all last night over it and woke up at 4am to email the office. I explained that I had two cats and was trying to follow my caseworker’s advice; but, my daughter and I both need our cats, as they are great therapy for our depression, and that I could get notes from our therapists if necessary. I got my daughter off to school and when I got back, I received an email saying as long as I got forms from our therapists they would allow the cats. There it was….relief.
Then came the fear and anxiety…..
Presently, I sit, there are no more obstacles. This is it. I am really moving..and I am terrified.
I am afraid of my agoraphobia being triggered, or falling into a depression…or having another breakdown.
I am terrified that somehow I won’t be able to do this.
Terrified to fail….to succeed…..to be alone or to be lonely.
Far beneath the terror, lies a little flame burning, reminding me that this is where I wanted to be. To be independent, self sufficient, to discover myself, my strengths, my abilities.
It is time….to jump…into the change I have been creating.
It is time for the next level of my life.
Afraid to jump, but looking forward to the exhilaration.