Wow! I’m Really Moving&I’m Terrified

As you all know, I’ve been looking for an apartment for my daughter and I since late last summer. After a few frustrating months, our location’s hunt changed as I explained in my post A New Direction; I found an arts and music based high school that I believe my daughter will thrive in.

Then a few more frustrating months went by with no luck. It’s been exhausting commuting my daughter to school, (over 3 hours in the car everyday). Frustration and Exhaustion combined with the severe winter months, life was feeling pretty bleak.

Then, in early March, my caseworker told me about a place that works with housing programs, (like the one she recently placed me on). It’s not really the environment I was looking for. I didn’t want to be in an apartment complex; but, trying to find an apartment with my disability income, and housing assistance is not an easy task….so I applied. There was a lot of running around and acquiring paperwork, such as security cards, proof of incomes, etc., but I had finally completed the application process, and aΒ unit was going to become available April 3.

Then I had to figure out my deposit. I applied for a loan from the town, which I completed yesterday. The loan was granted and they put me on an affordable, two year payment plan. Β A few hours later I stopped by to sign the lease, and get my keys.

At this point I should have been relieved; but, there was still another issue. I have two cats, they only knew about one. My caseworker had advised me to get in there with one cat and then ask about the other one. I had extreme anxiety because of the dishonesty. Then when we reviewed the lease, the pet policy read, “one pet”, my heart sank. I stressed all last night over it and woke up at 4am to email the office. I explained that I had two cats and was trying to follow my caseworker’s advice; but, my daughter and I both need our cats, as they are great therapy for our depression, and that I could get notes from our therapists if necessary. I got my daughter off to school and when I got back, I received an email saying as long as I got forms from our therapists they would allow the cats. There it was….relief.

Then came the fear and anxiety…..

Presently, I sit, there are no more obstacles. This is it. I am really moving..and I am terrified.

I am afraid of my agoraphobia being triggered, or falling into a depression…or having another breakdown.

I am terrified that somehow I won’t be able to do this.

Terrified to fail….to succeed…..to be alone or to be lonely.

Far beneath the terror, lies a little flame burning, reminding me that this is where I wanted to be. To be independent, self sufficient, to discover myself, my strengths, my abilities.

It is time….to jump…into the change I have been creating.

It is time for the next level of my life.

Afraid to jump, but looking forward to the exhilaration.

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20 thoughts on “Wow! I’m Really Moving&I’m Terrified

  1. I can relate to your relocation angst. For those of us with these types of issues moving is at the top of the stressor list! Sounds like you are doing great! My saying has slways been if it rolls smoothly it is meant to be! Sounds to me like the red carpet has rolled out for your move!!! One bit of advice from a kindred spirit. Stay in the now. One minute mindfulness comes to mind. One thing at a time. Maybe write a list and cross off things as they are done or turn out to be irrelevant. You are a strong woman and mother and I am excited to read about your new life!

  2. Wow, you’re going through a lot right now, but just think, you are raising a daughter, 2 cats, a new apt, getting the lease all figured out, the loan, and you have your health to deal with. That shows how strong you are, so give yourself a pat on the back today, and sit on the couch for a few minutes, wherever it is, and do some deep breathing. So very proud of you. *hugs*
    Deb

  3. You have so much going on! You are very strong with going through so much and keeping yourself together. I understand how that feels, it’s tough! Wishing you the best of luck with your new home and all that’s coming along with it πŸ™‚

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