I had the surgery that I mentioned in my update. It’s only been three days and I am just starting to feel well enough to be frustrated that I’m not well enough. Wishing I was healing quicker; but, knowing I can’t rush it. It’s only after years of therapy that I have learned you can’t expedite the healing process, you have to move through the pain steady and deliberately. I wanted to write a post to share my feelings during this recovery process….this is what came tumbling out of my mind:
Post Surgery [Psychological] Reflections
Presently I am recovering from surgery. I am…again vulnerable, flat on my back, incapable. That’s how I feel psychologically. Big Triggers when I am sick, due to growing up with asthma alienated, different, outcast.
My wise self, my higher self knows something bigger is always going on I have made a transition into elder phase wise woman phase, my body has anyways.
My Survivor self is triggered hard and hard on me it is! “Get it together”, “What the fuck is the matter with you” Inadequate, Weak, Loser! She speaks cruelly thinking that way still works.
I break down I am breakdown chick. The chick that has to pause to process, I cry…I cry a lot I feel the pain, I ruminate….
My developing self emerges a culmination of old selves that have become balanced; the wise and the young, the healthy, the ‘tuned-in’ gypsy hippie soul, Authenticity.
I sip my ginger root tea I’ve smoked my herb, I have prepared for this.