So, it’s only been a little over a week since my surgery; but, a few days ago I was feeling kind of good and without any pain pills. Naturally, my antsy stubborn self took over and started moving around furniture and lifting things, trying to distract myself from the unpacked boxes. Suddenly, it felt like my belly button ripped! This is where the incision from my surgery is. I didn’t look at it. I immediately sat down and put an ice pack on it. My mind taunted, “Always gotta learn the hard way, don’t ya?”
After sitting about a half hour with ice on my belly, I felt a little better. What do I do? Well, I realized I couldn’t do any lifting, so I cleaned. Did this still agitate my wound,,,,YES! I don’t know why I like to believe I am invincible sometimes. I looked at my incision and it was separated slightly and looked kind of swollen. Frightened and in pain, I spent the rest of the evening with ice and took a pain pill.
The next day I felt better. I had therapy scheduled for 11:30am, and stopped at the house in Kingston to grab some things. LIGHT things. Did I overdo and pack a basket that should not have been dragged into the car? Of course I did. Feeling the pain, I made myself a little ice pack and got ready for therapy. Physically I did not feel like going; but, I was already in the area and mentally I knew I had to go.
On the ride over, my mind taunted again, “Do you want to end up in the hospital with a ripped belly?” “Because if you ignore me, you know it’ll get worse until you listen!” Then I realized, this wasn’t my mind, it was my body speaking to me.
I sat in my session letting the tears and words fly. I learned that not only do I have mental triggers to these particular sections of my body that have been traumatized; but, that my body has those memories too. Therefore, it is to be expected that I would have more symptoms. It was a relief to understand that may be why I have had a hard time healing.
I asked for guidance on how to cope with another week of feeling anxious and not being able to do anything. My therapist then asked me what I thought it meant, that I could not be still and let my body heal. I replied proudly that I had learned quite a few years ago that the reason I used to have to be busy all the time is because I was afraid to be still and listen, and feel. and think. I feared what may surface or how I would cope with it. Although, I have come a far way from the busy wanna be super woman; I still have to learn more about listening to my body. Really listening.
I detached from my body years ago to cope with abuse. As an adult, I learned to care for my body with exercise and nutrition, and it felt good; but, I was still detached. I did not care for my body because I loved it. I viewed my body as an asset. In my modeling. In my dancing. In my relationships. I was disconnected.
I have heard my body but I never really listened. My body tried to send signals, I’m hungry. I’m tired. I need rest. My mind always responded, “I hear ya; but we just gotta do this first!” Usually as a result, I’d end up flat on my back somehow.
I am so glad that I dragged myself to therapy yesterday. I observe my situation and stop feeling anxious and frustrated that I can’t do more right now. I can look at it as an opportunity to relax and to be still. To really bond and incorporate my body into the healing process.
I apologize to my body for so many years of neglect. I thank it for always getting me through. Today, I vow to to nurture and to heal. To care for and respect my body’s needs and limitations. I will learn to listen to and eventually love my body.