My Grandmother and My Abuser

Presently one of the images I’m dealing with in my EMDR therapy is of my grandmother and the abuse she descended upon me.

The image of her on top of me, beating me.

The ugly in her face.

The crazed look in her eyes.

Her flailing hands and evil glare

as she grabbed my hair.

Pulled, tugged, slapped, and bruised.

She then put me in the closet

until my parents were there.

This image has haunted and taunted me my whole life. I even began to wonder if they were real memories or confused realities. EMDR is helping me finally release the emotions and associations related to this experience.

Embracing the bruised inner child.

You are safe now.

Why did she not care? The child asks.

Then I hold her and we cry.

When my friends had grandmothers that were loving and sweet and associated with soups and cookies, I had one who hated me. When I finally became too big to hit, she abused me with her words. Yelling and calling me a whore, when I was not even 12. Telling me that if my mom loved me, she’d be home and not working. These are just a few memories of my grandmother and my abuser.

I grew up thinking abuse equaled love.

No wonder I am an abuse magnet.

Including self abuse.

It’s been three weeks since my first round of EMDR, and I am still working on processing and releasing this one trauma. Overwhelming and healing, simultaneously.

Forgive my scattered writing, as I post this during an anxiety attack.

Though the memories of my grandmother are not as panic inducing as they once were, (thanks to therapy) I still have much anxiety with the process.

No child should have to hurt

or be unloved.

I shed tears for my inner child.

It is over now. I keep reminding.

Now it’s disassembling the connections intertwining.

This is where the anxiety and the journey continue.

21 thoughts on “My Grandmother and My Abuser

  1. I have not showered my grand and great grandchildren with material gifts; but they are all rich in my gift of love. I wish you could have been my granddaughter; you are a precious gift of life and you could not do anything that would cause abuse…adults sometime fail to remember how it was being young, they grow old, petty and resentful of the youth of their “today”. I experienced my entire life being disliked by my mother and grandmother, this treatment allowed me to know what kind of person “I did not want to be”. You are special, great things will come your way, never stop dreaming. eajm

  2. I’m now a grandmother to two beautiful children. I cannot even begin to imagine not showering them with love and grandmotherly spoiling. The older one is now a very difficult teenager but we’re still close and I support her in any way I can. That’s the kind of grandparenting you deserved as a little one. Your post brought a tear – to think of a dear little girl being abused like that.

    It’s great to read you’re doing well with EMDR. A friend of mine is a psychologist and she is a qualified EMDR therapist. She’s having a great deal of success with helping her clients. I hold out much hope for you for a beautiful future.

    • Thank you Miss Min for your kind words. EMDR has been hard work, but very healing. I mourn for the love I never received and for the childhood I never had;but, I rejoice in the future of self love&brightness! Thanks so much for reading! 🙂 ❤

  3. I’m restarting therapy for an abuse issue that I never thought was huge, until the memories started flooding back about my childhood. I’m dealing with the effects of my narcissistic mother and she was one cruel lady.

    So sorry you had to experience the abuse from your grandmother. It’s terrifying, confusing, and difficult to cope, whereby the entire trust thing goes down the toilet. Therapy is the only way for me to deal with this mess, and proud of you for also going this route. I’ve never tried EMDR, I’ll keep checking in on your progress. At least you are starting the healing process, and be patient with yourself. Hugs, Deb

    • Those buried experiences follow us no matter where we go, until we finally face them, sit with them, then finally heal from them. Emdr helped me tremondously to do this. I wish you luck, live &strength in your journey.

  4. Pingback: Rape Trauma and Vaginismus – Labeled Disabled

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