Depression doesn’t always look like expected.
I am still learning the many faces my depression can hide behind.
In the past my depression had severity to its appearance and it was immediately recognized. Bed bound and unbathed for days, lost in haze of darkness and sadness.
I have come so far and grown so much; but, still the reality is I live with a chronic illness. I fight everyday and occasionally I don’t win. Sometimes, I am not even aware that I am losing.
A few weeks ago, on a Friday night, I bought a bottle of wine, made some snacks and retreated to my recliner to watch some Netflix. This is a treat that I indulge in a few times a month. It’s great therapy! Sunday came and I was still in my recliner. I had binge watched a Netflix series for three days! Monday came and after I brought my daughter to school, I assumed the same position. I took a mental note&thought to myself, I think I may be in a little spell of depression; but it’s okay. I’m functioning and its Monday, and I only have a few shows left to this series. Then I will get back to life.
It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. The tone was set and I was having a hard time breaking free from the funk I was in. I brought it all to therapy and dragged myself through the rest of the week.
Friday came, and there I was again melted into my recliner. Instead of drinking, I stuffed my face, which I had been doing a lot lately. I knew for sure I was dealing with depression and it felt heavy. I couldn’t cope or confront what or where it was coming from. The tears flowed, and I was overwhelmed. When Sunday came, it was overbearing. I picked a french fry out of my hair and told myself that I HAVE to get active. I forced myself to do a few exercises.
The week that followed was a little easier; because I remained active and aware. Then when the weekend came, I forced myself to take a drive to spend some time with family. I could NOT spend another weekend letting depression get the best of me.
Today is Monday and I write this from my sick bed. I have been fighting a nasty cold for a week. I also recently was diagnosed with calcification in my shoulder which is causing much pain. Being physically challenged always makes it harder to fight the depression and anxiety; but, I am refreshed emotionally having spent time with my family. Family bonds heal and I am filled with love.
This week the battle continues but I think I am gaining momentum.
I will be more aware of the signs of depression and try to stay one step ahead. I realize now that just because I am not in tears, doesn’t mean I am not depressed. According the following link, fatigue and an empty feeling alone are red flags.
Here are the top 9 signs of depression: