Last year when I had my endometrial ablation (the removal of my uterus lining) I learned the hard way that I did not prepare very well. I tend to be headstrong, I’m an Aries and a survivor. I figured it was a minor procedure and I’ve got this. Everything was going to be okay. It really wasn’t okay. My recovery took longer than it was supposed to and it was really hard on both my daughter and I. I hadn’t asked family or friends for help; with the exception of a few rides from my niece to and from the doctors and hospital. Asking for help has always been difficult for me.
This time I am having a major surgery and tried my best to prepare. I learned how to ask for help. A good friend will be staying with us for the first week; then I’ve asked friends and family to check in on us and if possible, to bring a dinner; because, I know I won’t be able to cook much. I also bought some frozen meals and stocked up on groceries, including cat food and paper goods. I plan on cooking a few meals to freeze as well. I’ve refilled prescriptions, I made sure my daughter has transportation to school, I cleaned the house and I arranged a comfy chair in my bedroom, with stacks of books and magazines, a sketch pad and journal.
No matter how much I prepared physically; Mentally and emotionally, my anxiety couldn’t be calmed. I had to address some issues in therapy. First, I was aware that when reading the hysterectomy pamphlets, my body literally reacted with fear. My vagina clenched so tight I felt bruised. I realized that I always clench defensively when anything approaches that area, whether it’s for sex or an exam. I even have wondered if this is why I had to have a cesarean section. I know it is related to trauma and the fact that I’ve been raped a few times. That forceful entry my body remembers no matter how far I push it from my mind. I discussed it with my therapist and I will do some EMDR sessions in the future; but, for now, I am learning to acknowledge, honor and send love and reassurance to that part of the body. Then I started to grieve and become very sad about losing my organs. They are a part of me. My uterus carried my daughter for me. I feel like I am abandoning them. As soon as I said the word abandon in therapy, my right ovary felt like I was being stabbed. I talked more about it with my therapist. I said I would sit down with a notebook and write down what my body wants to say to me. I told my ovary that I acknowledge it and I will deal with what it has to say as soon as I am able.
I keep reminding myself that the bottom line, is this is the right choice for my whole body. My uterus and ovaries are at constant risk of cancer and they are sick. I have to remove them. I thank them for their time with me and then try to detach from them as much as possible.
My surgery is tomorrow. I think I am as prepared as I can be. I have anxiety; but, I am doing my best to stay centered and grounded. Today I am doing laundry and some errands, then will make time for some meditation, prayer and positive visualization.
Tonight will be sleepless…