“With any great expansion, it is only natural to have a contraction that follows,” this is what my therapist told me a few weeks ago. It had been a week since Teal Swan’s workshop, The Mirror. I had been feeling nauseous, dizzy and slightly depressed. The whole experience left me in a surreal state. My therapist continued to explain while holding her arms out as if around a giant beach ball. “Your expansion has you feeling way out here, and as you contract back, it’s only natural to have these symptoms; but, know you aren’t contracting all the way back to where you were.”
The next week, I thought we had bedbugs again. I’d been waking up with bites a month before. I researched natural methods to keep them at bay and told myself I would only contact management if it escalated; because their treatments haven’t proved successful either. When we returned from our workshop, Serenity crashed in my bed. The next morning I picked a bug stuck on her ankle off. I thought it was a bedbug and didn’t want to sleep in my room that night. We both slept in the living room and Serenity picked a tiny bug from her the next morning. I naturally thought our situation indeed escalated, and notified management. Meanwhile, we knew the drill. Launder everything. Bag everything. Clean everything. It as a familiar nightmare. We were exhausted but still remaining aligned with our new healing, while questioning why would this happen. More contraction? We decided maybe it was a sign to move. Then the exterminator did her inspection late last week. I showed her the samples and much to our surprise, it was a tick I had picked off my daughter and the other bug wasn’t a bedbug. The exterminator did not feel a treatment was necessary at this time, and told me to just keep up what I was doing and keep things bagged if I can.
Moments after the exterminator left, my daughter broke down and cried. Tears of relief. We sat and reflected. We learned in our workshop that everything is a reflection of us. So, we thought that because we had went into panic mode, maybe we need more inner calmness. More meditation and checking in with ourselves. While this is true, I contemplated more and shared with her that I don’t think we even have to judge our reactions. I think the experience taught us that while we thought we were in a crisis, we still remained calm. We saw higher perspectives and possible reasons. We worked as a team, which we hadn’t last time. Last time we had bedbugs, she ended up in the hospital and I not far behind. We also learned to take a break from the work as we attended an art show and fed our spirits. These were all important lessons learned.
My entire being has been spinning for awhile. Since my birthday, turning 50, the family brawl, the intense workshop of healing and reflection, then the bedbug scare….I was finding it hard to redirect. I have been exhausted, drained on all levels. Today in therapy, I did some grounding. After grounding, I realized parts of me are stirred. Those parts gripping to old coping skills and old forms of thought.
My therapist said, “It’s as if a new self is emerging but looking through an old self’s eyes.”
Now that I have expanded and contracted, I feel like a worn out balloon. I am going to regroup, get back on my routine, rest and nourish myself. Then I have to look at the parts of me that have been resisting change and growth. I have some work ahead of me.
It is a painful metamorphosis.