Out with the Old~In with the New~

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My biopsy came back negative! No cancer!! (Pause for happy dance!!!) giphy

I can finally move on to celebrating the new year! I think it is going to be a year of more extreme change.  There was a lot of loss and grief felt in 2017. I can’t help but to believe that new and wonderful things are coming my way. Last year served many lessons, and I met them with perseverance, success,&growth. Not just growth, ascension. It was a year of extreme sadness AND extreme joy.

Beginning with bedbugs; We lost our beds, couches, chairs. Most of our clothes got damaged from having to repeatedly dry on high heat, trying to prevent re-infestations. The bedbug battle lasted from Dec 2016 to April 2017, leaving both my daughter and I depleted. 

April brought my “Holy birthday” and My Plant Journey had Begun! My herbal apprenticeship was a huge step for me. The anxiety I had to face every class was tormenting. The inner saboteur haunted me each assignment. I had panic attacks so bad that my arms would radiate with pain. My hands shook. My heart pounded so loud and fast, I couldn’t hear myself think. I just kept moving forward. I found magic in the plants, and in myself.

June brought the 18th birthday of my little girl. An emotional milestone.  Sadly, I also received news of my warrior sister, Melody’s passing.  June also brought the 12th deathversary of my mom. I sat with her pictures all around me and allowed myself to feel the grief. It surprised me that the pain of loss doesn’t leave, it just lives inside of you waiting to be acknowledged. That is when I posted What do we do with grief? Then, July brought the 1 year deathversary of my dad. I worked through some more Grief and Anger!

It was very hard to move through the thick fog of grief, loss, anxiety and depression. I collapsed here and there; but, picked myself up and held on to whatever coping skills I had. I began to gain healing and strength little by little, giving me a tiny bit of self confidence, something I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

September my daughter brought home lice from school and we struggled for three weeks trying to get rid of them, sending us both into bit of depression. She ended up in the hospital for a few weeks sorting it out. I kept going, the way moms do. The pressures of upcoming graduation and my little girl being in the hospital wore heavy on me.

Alas, November brought Graduation&Restoration! A time for celebration and then the hopes of a long winter nap! I journaled how proud I was of myself and really recognized how far I had come. Real growth had happened. I knew my mental health recovery had reached a whole new plateau.

The peace was short lived with the holidays approaching. Then I received news of another friend passing away and I lost my car. In the midst of loss, I found myself. I sat with calmness and gratitude. With all the loved ones who are no longer with me, I found gratitude in just being alive. With the loss of my car and the immediate panic, I sat with gratitude that I was Carless and not HomelessGratitude is a powerful healing tool. Like my mama used to say, “It can always be worse!”

Now 2018 is here! I have got a clean bill of health and I am ready to bring into my life new lessons, new friendships, new opportunities for growth. When one door closes, another opens. Letting go of the losses and welcoming prosperity.

Out with the old, in with the new!! 

Happy 2018 Everyone! ❤

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Carless but not Homeless

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I mentioned in my update that my car was broken down. The week before Thanksgiving I spent $1000. on repairs. Two hundred to replace a windshield that my daughter had kicked in during an episode, and eight hundred to replace a line that went from my power steering to my coolant. The very next day from the garage, it started feeling like it wasn’t in gear. I tried heavier on the gas; but,  the car wouldn’t hardly go, and didn’t go passed 35/40mph. I ran a few errands and just parked it to deal with after the holiday. We carpooled to and back from Pa. When we came home, I tried to drive my daughter to school and it was worse, it barely moved, even though I was flooring the gas. I managed to get it parked again. When I decided to try it again, I tried to reverse and it went forward! I couldn’t move forward because of bushes so now, I was stuck.

I felt lost. I have always depended on boyfriends to help me with car troubles. Seeing as I refuse to be in co-dependency, there are some things that I am learning to deal with for the first time in my life. It reminds me of when I was pumping gas once, and there was an elderly lady confused and asked me for help to pump her gas. She explained that her husband always pumped it and she had never learned. Now he was gone. I remember thinking that it was sad. Here I was in a similar situation. I started with the transmission fluid. My daughter’s boyfriend helped me check it and put a little in and nothing. I asked my neighbor if her husband knew anything about transmissions. He did; but I had to wait for the weekend for him to look at it. He concluded it may be the sun gear in my transmission, and suggested I call the garage and ask for prices. If I decided to bring it to the garage, he said it should run in third gear and he would help me push it out. The garage couldn’t give me any price until they looked at it; but, that transmission repairs were expensive. The vehicle is a 2003 Chevy trailblazer. I wasn’t sure anymore if it was worth fixing. That decision was made for me on first snowfall. When maintenance came to plow, I explained my situation but they still had to tow it away.

I cried as they put it on the lift, but, part of me felt relieved. I was done. The car used to me my ex’es. I never felt like it was mine. Maybe its a symbolic break from what isn’t aligned with me anymore. Out with the old, in with the new. I wanted just to leave it at the tow place; Until, I researched and found that wasn’t an option. Tow companies continue to charge storage. I even found a story of one person who couldn’t buy a house because there were over $10,000. in tow/storage fees on their credit. My next thought was donate it; but, found out I couldn’t because of the fees. Then I spoke with the tow company and explained my entire situation. He was very nice. He said to come in and pay the fees ($250.) and then they would help me put more fluid in and go from there. After putting more fluid in, the gears didn’t even engage and it was concluded that my transmission was shot.  Then the best option was to junk it to them. As soon as my duplicate title comes in I will complete the paperwork and sign it over. Meanwhile, the tow company isn’t charging anymore storage. My daughter and I went to say our formal goodbye to “Ol’ Blue”. It has been an emotional drawled out goodbye process.

 

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The day the towed Old Blue way…24955786_10213703285843944_4132263020141029903_o

Its been rough being carless. Walking to the grocery store this time of year is no treat. As bad as it seems, I know it can always be worst. I can’t help but to think about people who have no home and are in the cold, with no one. I reflect on the time my daughter and I were homeless. Just before Christmas of 2010, we finally found a 1br apartment of our own. The community had helped us so much with food and gifts and even rent. I was so full of gratitude, I wrote the editor of the local newspaper. They in return wanted to do a story on me. They found it inspiring and perfect for the holiday. I have to admit, to this day, I am a little bit embarrassed for being on the front page of the newspaper as the “local woman’s struggles teach her life lessons.” But, my daughter was proud of me and part of my mission is to always be open about my story.

Here’s a link to the newspaper article:

http://www.seacoastonline.com/article/20101224/NEWS/12240387

In reflection and gratitude, I find peace. Yes, I am carless, but, I am not homeless.

I am deeply grateful for all I have.

This time of year can be rough. If for any reason, you are feeling like you are not enough, or don’t have enough; please take a moment to think of others that aren’t as fortunate and find gratitude.

I want to wish you all the Merriest of Holidays.

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