The Dark Side of my Mind

Light in the darkness by SjerZ
(pic credit; Light in the darkness by Sjerz)

The dark side of my mind,

is not my favorite place.

Lurks in corners, fragments of

memories, I fervently tried to erase.

The darkness fills me with fear,

yet gentles itself as I become near.

I approach, and I embrace

the dark side of my mind,

like before & now again,

Love is what I find.

Love for pieces of me,

left behind, and alone.

I have come back to them,

to bring them home. 

Now I see, the darkness

is a part of me,

as well as the light.

There is no reason 

for these two parts

to fight.

The dark side of my mind,

though not my favorite place,

I integrate, I heal,

and I listen, for the call

of and welcome,

the dark side of my mind.

Grateful for it’s beckon

and assisting me

in setting my mind free.

 

 

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Contraction

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“With any great expansion, it is only natural to have a contraction that follows,” this is what my therapist told me a few weeks ago. It had been a week since Teal Swan’s workshop, The Mirror. I had been feeling nauseous, dizzy and slightly depressed. The whole experience left me in a surreal state. My therapist continued to explain while holding her arms out as if around a giant beach ball. “Your expansion has you feeling way out here, and as you contract back, it’s only natural to have these symptoms; but, know you aren’t contracting all the way back to where you were.”

The next week, I thought we had bedbugs again. I’d been waking up with bites a month before. I researched natural methods to keep them at bay and told myself I would only contact management if it escalated; because their treatments haven’t proved successful either. When we returned from our workshop, Serenity crashed in my bed. The next morning I picked a bug stuck on her ankle off. I thought it was a bedbug and didn’t want to sleep in my room that night. We both slept in the living room and Serenity picked a tiny bug from her the next morning. I naturally thought our situation indeed escalated, and notified management. Meanwhile, we knew the drill. Launder everything. Bag everything. Clean everything. It as a familiar nightmare. We were exhausted but still remaining aligned with our new healing, while questioning why would this happen. More contraction? We decided maybe it was a sign to move. Then the exterminator did her inspection late last week. I showed her the samples and much to our surprise, it was a tick I had picked off my daughter and the other bug wasn’t a bedbug. The exterminator did not feel a treatment was necessary at this time, and told me to just keep up what I was doing and keep things bagged if I can.

Moments after the exterminator left, my daughter broke down and cried. Tears of relief. We sat and reflected. We learned in our workshop that everything is a reflection of us. So, we thought that because we had went into panic mode, maybe we need more inner calmness. More meditation and checking in with ourselves. While this is true, I contemplated more and shared with her that I don’t think we even have to judge our reactions. I think the experience taught us that while we thought we were in a crisis, we still remained calm. We saw higher perspectives and possible reasons. We worked as a team, which we hadn’t last time. Last time we had bedbugs, she ended up in the hospital and I not far behind. We also learned to take a break from the work as we attended an art show and fed our spirits. These were all important lessons learned.

My entire being has been spinning for awhile. Since my birthday, turning 50, the family brawl, the intense workshop of healing and reflection, then the bedbug scare….I was finding it hard to redirect. I have been exhausted, drained on all levels. Today in therapy, I did some grounding. After grounding, I realized parts of me are stirred. Those parts gripping to old coping skills and old forms of thought.

My therapist said, “It’s as if a new self is emerging but looking through an old self’s eyes.”

Now that I have expanded and contracted, I feel like a worn out balloon. I am going to regroup, get back on my routine, rest and nourish myself. Then I have to look at the parts of me that have been resisting change and growth. I have some work ahead of me.

It is a painful metamorphosis.

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Update: Expansion

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Every so often a lapse of time goes by and I haven’t posted. During these times, there are events happening that swoop me up in a tornado of energy. They are usually painful, and sometimes explosive; but, when I land after the storm, I recognize it’s beauty and try to reap the lessons. I acknowledge this as a growth spurt, growing pains and all,

During these storms, it takes all of my focus and strength to find my way back to self again. It is only after the dust settles, that I can sit and share here on this blog, with with you, out loud as an update.

This last growth spurt felt like an explosion into expansion. It was a period of time that I can only now reflect and see clearer. While I was going through it, I tried my best to stay grounded and know it was all for a reason, even if I couldn’t see that reason yet.

In one month’s time a series of events occurred, propelling me into this new growth, beginning when a friend of mine was diagnosed with leukemia and not given much time to live. Her daughter is also a friend of mine. I found it triggering, knowing what it is like to have a mother terminally ill. Despite my triggers, I offered to be of assistance any way I could. When she took me up on it, I pushed through my panic and was there for her. I am grateful to have had the courage to visit my friend in the hospital, because it was the last time I saw her. I went to the service alone and paid my respects. A few weeks later, a mutual friend brought over  some essential oils and scarves that belonged to my friend, and we bonded, feeling she was with us. I could see that my friend’s passing brought other us together. I was sad; but glad she didn’t suffer long. I miss her positivism and her light.

While this was going on, my daughter and I were fighting. She had made a decision that I strongly disagreed with and I feared for her safety. I could barely speak to her. We don’t argue much, so when we do, it is extremely painful. I asked to put things on hold while I got through my friend’s service. After the service we sat and talked some. I believed her decision was an extreme effort to gain some independence from me. She put the decision she made aside and we talked about being codependent and agreed to take it to her therapist. There we worked through some stuff and are now more aware of and working on our patterns. My mother and I were pretty codependent, it feels good to be breaking the cycle.

After we celebrated a quiet Orthodox Easter, we prepared for my 50th birthday! 50!!! What a milestone! Months before I had struggled with anxiety over it; but, now I had reached acceptance and I felt incredibly grateful to be here for 50 years. A younger self would never have believed it. My sister had rented cottages and my family came to celebrate. I hung pictures of my entire life on the walls. Reflecting on the years was emotional to say the least. My theme was Happy Hippie@50. We all bathed in love, joy and laughter for many hours. Unfortunately, it ended abruptly when a few family members started fighting. It was obvious there were buried emotions never expressed, and alcohol forced them to be purged. When it got physical I tried to get in the middle of it to stop it and I ended up in the hospital on my birthday with bruised ribs. The horror of everyone’s faces yelling, bleeding and separating, echoed in my mind. It was traumatizing. It wasn’t until later that I realized the need for those emotions to come up for healing. I wished it had been in a different way and pray that our family continues to grow, heal and talk to each other in a healthy manner.

The very next week my daughter and I were in NYC for Teal Swan’s The Mirror Event. A three day workshop intended to see our reflection in others. I was in physical pain and terrified to see my emotional pain; but, I knew it was necessary to continue to heal. There are hardly words to describe what took place over the next few days; but, intense healing is a good start. The intention of the workshop is to heal fragmented parts of us. As Teal explains, starting in childhood, when a trauma happens, or we are shamed, we then fragment and develop another part of us and leave that part there. She talks about The Completion Process, healing and integrating all of our parts. Having been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, this healing modality appealed to me immensely. I am still processing all that happened and will probably have to write a separate post.

On April 22, Pluto went retrograde and will be until Sept 30th. I learned in a recent Astrology class  that Pluto is the planet of expansion. When it is retrograde, it has a habit of creating an explosion if necessary for your growth and learning. It is a good time to work with shadow selves and to be prepared for rude awakenings.

It has been a week since the workshop. I have been weeping, dizzy, nauseous, and exhausted. It feels like there are swirls of energy whirling around me waiting to settle in to my being. I have been earthing and resting and slowly integrating it all.

Sometimes it feels the Universe is against you when things blow up in your face, when you are in so much pain and don’t understand; but if we look at it all from a higher perspective, we can realize that the Universe is only answering our call, our call for expansion.

 

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My Herbal School Books

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Happy Spring Everyone! The Advanced Herbalism course just started at my school. Unfortunately, I will not be able to take it; because, I have to save money for a car. Maybe, it is just as well. I really want to review all of my herbal apprenticeship studies, because it was a lot of information to take in, and I really want to retain it. I thought I would share a bit of it here with you all, starting with my school books.

I thought this was a great collection of books and diverse as well.

Beginning from left bottom; the Peterson Field Guide to Medicinal Plants and Herbs of Eastern and Central North AmericaThird Edition. By Steven Foster&James A. Duke 

This book is an invaluable guide! This is what we used to find our plant samples in the wild for our materia medica pressings. It includes the common and medical name of each plant, along with pictures, great descriptions, where it is found and uses, that include historical and indigenous practices. This book became my ‘herbalist bible’, helping me find over 100 plants!peppermint

The next book (top left) is Heal Your Body, The Mental Causes For Physical Illness and The Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them, and it’s by Louise Hay 

You may remember I discovered her when I was healing with hay house.  If you’ve never heard about her or her healing crusades in the 70’s, then you really should check her out. This book explains that there are mental causes for each of our physical ailments and includes affirmations for each body part! I used this book to heal my lower back spasms during my course. I will write about that in a different post. I still use this book daily for affirmations that correspond to whatever part of my body is acting up. A must have book for anyone on a healing journey. hay

The book on the top middle is Edible Wild Plants, Eastern/Central North America, by Lee Allen Peterson.

This is another must have guide for herablists and wildcrafters. I am not as familiar with this one; but, it has all the same great info as the Peterson’s guide.ewp2ewp

 

Top right hand corner is The Herbal Handbook, A User’s Guide to Medical Herbalism, by David Hoffmann.

This book is awesome! I used it a lot during homework assignments for our materia medica; because it was set up similarly. It describes Actions and Body Systems and the herbs recommended for each. It doesn’t go too in depth with the plants; but it’s a great quick guide, and a must for learning materia medica. herbal handbook

Next book, bottom right, The Herb Book, (The Most Complete Catalog of Herbs Ever Published) by John Lust, with over 275 Line drawings.

This book I have not familiarized myself with much yet either. I used it some toward the end of my course for homework. I guess I was a little intimidated by it and stuck to the other books; but, it looks intense and I will definitely be studying it while I am reviewing everything.the herb bookthe herb book2

Last but definitely not least, Body Into Balance, An Herbal Guide to Holistic Self-Care, by Maria Noel Groves.

This is a great integral component. Holistic Care aims to treat the complete person, physically, psychologically, socially, and spiritually, in the management and prevention of disease.  I didn’t start reading it until my course ended; but it ties in all we have learned. It’s divided into three parts, foundations of good health, going deeper and tying it together, and then buying and making herbal remedies. This book is done beautifully and another essential tool for healing.bodybalance3

 

 

 

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I hope you have enjoyed viewing these books, I know I have. I will insert links to them through their titles if you are interested in purchasing them. I am going to love reviewing all the magical plants, even though they are all covered with snow presently; soon, they will be emerging and I look forward to more of their stories. 🙂

 

 

Rainy Day Healing

rainydayRaindrops on the window

Wild winds blow the tree tops

Candles are lit

Incense perfumes the air

Sitting still, I close my eyes

White light fills me

Third eye goes blind 
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Ego distracts

Spirit pulls me back

Be calm

Listen to the silence

The echoes of the wind

speed up with urgency

Tree branches sway to the turbulence

Dancing with the storm.

Gray skies embrace me with neutrality.  All that was is set free.  All that will be,

is  here and now.  Open my arms to receive the love.  Closing my eyes again

my third eye beams indigo, letting ego go…

Deeply rooted with the trees, I learn their dance.  Cleansed by the rains and wind.

I allow the healing in….

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