RIP Melody

(Pictures of Melody)

I just found out that a friend of mine passed away a year ago. I knew her through Facebook; but, that doesn’t diminish for a second, the deep connection we shared. We had endless Facebook chats and spoke on the phone a few times too. We shared our pain, our stories and quite a few laughs. We called each other Warrior Goddess sisters. We chatted about family, men, life, death, grief, physical pain, mental illness, creativity, fairies, magic, God and the Universe.

Melody was there for me, the way good friends are. At the time I was Agoraphobic and living in a one bedroom apartment with my 12 year old daughter. My disability payments barely covered the rent. Melody always cheered me up and encouraged me. She’d tell me to summon my warrior spirit, and I would do the same for her. We were survivors. We took our turns with insomnia and depression, and we would always try to be there for each other.

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(Melody’s husband photo shopped these for us. Her the warrior, and me the fairy)

Melody was a giving person too. She was an artist, and jewelry artist. One day I received a package from her with a beautiful bracelet in it for my daughter, and a fairy necklace for me, that she had created, accompanied by a couple of handmade cards. She even once mailed me $11. cash for a bottle of wine! We called it drinking grapes! 🙂

The last time I spoke to her was 2012. We both had things to go through and we fell out of touch. I tried sending her a few messages through the years; but no reply. Her Facebook account wasn’t very active.

Today, in my Facebook memories, she came up. I went on her page to see if there was any new activity. The last posts were all of us wishing her happy birthday Sept, 2016. I scrolled down a little and there was a post that said RIP, and a few after that saying she passed away.

My eyes filled with tears. Her obituary says she died May 2016. She was only 54. No details or explanation, and per her request no memorial service. I have spent today processing this news, my emotions, and memories.

Emotions and memories of a woman that I have never met in person; yet feel so karmically intertwined with. I wished I had reached out more or there was something I could have done more for such a generous, humorous, beautiful spirit.

I can’t help but to worry that she was sick or in pain. She often was. It makes me sad to think she may have never got the healthy life she wanted. It makes me want to hug myself tight and be grateful that I have found the strength to persevere, and that I am still on this amazing planet Earth. I set free the guilt because that is what she would want me to do. No more suffering now, my Warrior Goddess sister! I hope your wild heart is free and your soul traveling like a magical gypsy. I’ll see you at the Fairy dance. I hold up my glass of grapes to you my Dear Melody! RIP


Why I shouldn’t meditate

I have finally reached a point where I can actually start a routine for myself. For many years, it’s been all I could do to get through the day. After taking care of my daughter, I had no energy left for anything else.

I am doing better and want to create some routine things that are just for me. Writing, exercise, etc., I thought meditation would make a healing addition, until I discussed it with my therapist.

She explained that people who have a severe trauma background (PTSD) should avoid meditation, as they may not be equipped to deal with possible intrusive thoughts and/or memories that may enter their mind. She advised me to stick with guided meditations, rather than more traditional meditation.

“People with depression or past experiences of trauma, for example, may find themselves feeling increasingly anxious during  meditation, no matter how much they try to focus on the moment. Or they may be plagued by intrusive thoughts, feelings and images of the past during their mindfulness exercises” says Professor Sarah Bowen (who has studied meditation in treating alcohol and illegal drug addictions), that’s why she suggests that people with depression or trauma issues who want to benefit from meditation should try it with expert guidance.

Personally, I have tried to be still and meditate in the past; but it always became frustrating  and impossible to maintain a blank canvas in my mind. It becomes overflowed with thoughts and pictures racing until I just give up. I have always had to use guided meditations. I thought it was because of my ADD, and I needed the guidance to focus; but, maybe subconsciously I couldn’t do it because of fear. Maybe I was afraid of what horrible memories might appear.

Whenever my mind attempts to relax, it is quite a process. Particularly when I am trying to go to sleep. Talk about racing thoughts!! I have had severe insomnia at times, but that’s a whole other post! Sometimes I do use guided meditations to help me at night. I am kind of fussy when it comes to finding one I like and that relaxes me. The person’s tone may annoy me or not keep my attention, or their words don’t stir my imagery. Jason Stephenson is my favorite on youtube that I’ve found. He has a soothing voice and creative guided imagery. He also has a great selection. Here is one of my favorite sleep meditations by him.

He has many meditations that I want to try and add to my routine, and hopefully someday soon, I will be able to add a traditional meditation practice. One baby step at a time:)