After 10 years off of antidepressants, I chose to go back on them. I thought just for the winter but I am not so sure anymore.
Truthfully, I’ve been struggling for a while. I’ve kept busy with herbal apprenticeships and my business course through VR. but not without several little breakdowns and many cries in between.
I had been contemplating medication for months, discussing it with both my doctor and my therapist.
I wanted to try herbal remedies first for the winter depression, but I only made a few and was late in the season making them.
I was teetering.
Then my family pushed me over the edge. Many family members were struggling with their own mental health and it affected me deeply.
I began having suicidal and self-harming thoughts.
Red flag, stop, breathe and evaluate.
Presently I know with all I am that I won’t act on these thoughts; but when my brain starts going there, it is time to get some support.
I realized I could not try to start a business and elevate my life, all while getting caught in the cross-fire of my family, it was just too much.
I felt like I was failing and was ashamed, by going back on meds. Then I remembered that my brain sometimes needs help. That I have a chemical imbalance. That it is okay to get help. That I am still doing the work and moving forward.
I set that shame shit go and am still adjusting; but so far, my focus is better and my depression not quite as severe, and/or for not as long.
Sometimes, recovery and healing is an up and down, back and forth experience.
Learning in layers and spirals can feel like you aren’t getting anywhere, but I know better.
Feeling a tiny bit more stable, I have set boundaries with my family and continue to move forward with my business goals.
Wherever you are at in your journey, know that it’s okay and you are exactly where you need to be❤
It’s been over two years that I’ve been working diligently with NH Vocational Rehab and taking their business course with success coach, Dr. Deborah Osgood, who has been an enormous support.
There have been so many trials and tribulations during this journey. It took me six months of therapy to work on feeling worthy enough to even begin.
Then when I thought I was close to being ready, I learned about the FDA’s Good Manufacturing Practices (GMP’s). It took me another chunk of time to reformulate my lotion recipes to include all-natural preservatives so I could offer a safer product and avoid bacteria, yeast, mold, etc., I also changed the packaging from jars to pump bottles, because constantly putting our fingers into a jar of product can increase chances of bacteria, especially if water gets into it.
Not only did I need to reformulate recipes and packaging; but, I had to change my business direction as well. I originally wanted to include tea blends, herbal extracts, and salves; but according to FDA, those fall under the Supplement category, and my herbal chest rub under the Drug category, which has very rigid rules and regulations. Firstly, I would need a commercial kitchen and that just isn’t plausible presently. This discouraged me for a while and I struggled with depression, but I redirected myself to work under the Cosmetics and Aromatherapy categories which are a tiny bit more lenient, and I am able to make them from home. (I ranted a bit more in my post, GMPs, FDA, and reformulating)
Last month, I finally finished the course at VR and submitted my business proposal. I was congratulated and commended on a job well done. I felt such a sense of accomplishment, having persevered through my anxiety, fear, depression, family problems, health issues, etc.,
There were times I felt stupid for taking so long, and times I wanted to just give up, wondering if I was even capable.
Last week I received the email saying that NHVR has approved my proposal and they will begin buying supplies needed for me to launch my business over the next 3-4 weeks!!!
Tears of joy and relief were wept.
I signed the contract saying that I have ‘cashed in’ my Social Security ticket to work and I will submit profit/loss reports monthly.
If you would’ve asked a former me, I would have never thought I’d be here.
Sometimes I held a vague vision or a daydream of where I wanted to be.
Now I am living the daydream!
I have moved from being severely disabled, broken and unable, to an able person, functioning, and moving forward, still struggling with disabilities but also still doing the work and healing.
Disabled but not broken.
I am excited and I am terrified, but no matter what happens from here, I am proud to have made it this far.
If you follow this blog, you already know that I lack in the latter of this post title. Consistency has definitely not been my strong suit. Then again, being a blog of someone who struggles with mental health, I suppose it isn’t a surprise. Consistency is an important element for mental and emotional well being, yet it can be challenging as all hell! To add to the dilemma I never had a firm routine growing up, being a daughter of a single mom. Therefore, it is yet another tool I have to learn or relearn as an adult.
I have been working with a success coach through Vocational Rehab for a little over a year now, her name is Dr. Deborah Osgoodand I think I would have given up a long time ago if it weren’t for the support and encouragement from her and my VR caseworker, Lisa Beck, and of course, my therapist and family/friends. The goal is to start my own herbal business; but it is not a simple journey for someone with so many triggers.
The first trouble I had was responding to a “See, Hear, Experience, exercise called Challenging Reality. The worksheet asked you to visit your early life experiences, with questions like, 1) What did you hear about money and rich people early on in your life? 2)What did you see about money and rich people early on in your life? 3)What did you experience with money and rich people early on in your life? I might write a separate post about my answers; but, if you ever read my Being poorpost, then you can imagine the feelings these questions brought to the surface. I held a deeply ingrained belief that I would always be poor and unworthy.
It took almost a year to work on rebuilding my lack of abundance&worth mindset. Talk therapy and daily affirmations helped me slowly become more aware of how my thoughts and beliefs affected my reality. Believing you are always going to be poor and unworthy will keep you poor and unworthy. I had to retrain my brain and introduce new thoughts and ideas around money and self worth. Fortunately, the second step of the aforementioned exercise helped challenge those old beliefs and create current views.
I have been working diligently on reforming my routine and trying to ‘do it all’ I am still in herbal school and it is a lot, especially for somebody who has physical limitations and still in mental health recovery. I am learning to juggle, schoolwork, Voc rehab, building a business, health appointments, housework and self management. I have come a long way from my post on My daily battles which were basically just to get up, get moving, get outside and get to sleep!
I get discouraged that I am not further along; but I remind myself that I am doing things every day toward my goals. I often feel I should be doing more, but I know that I am honestly doing my best and mustn’t beat myself up.
Here are some pearls of wisdom and encouragement from Dr. Deb in our email correspondences;
“Congratulations on realizing that you “are and have been” productively working on multiple things all along that are contributing to defining and growing your business.”
“As you shared, homework and intern work definitely counts <smile>. While personal appointments, errands, and housework will also always be part of everyday life, this new perspective and practice simply ensures that your business goals remain a priority as well. …and not just a priority, but something to definitely celebrate as you also touched upon – excellent!!!“
And I love this last one when I expressed to her that I was worried I wasn’t being consistent enough.
“As for your comment about “having to stay consistent,” I’d like to introduce a different perspective. I think I get what you mean in terms of you “have to stay committed to your goal…”, correct? Even then, I invite you to be true to who you are. You do not enjoy mundane details and routine work. You are a loyal and devoted individual to people and causes you believe in. You also thrive on continued growth and are creative and inspirational. (this info is based on the Meyer Briggs personality test that I took on my first appointment with her, I am an INFP) By continuing to create and operate a business model that allows you to leverage these inherent strengths, you will be happy and you will not “have” to force anything.”
This really resonated with me. I realized that while I am still working on improving my ability to be consistent, I can celebrate the fact that I am committed, to my recovery, my health, my family, my goals, my blogs, my business, my education and so on. I can be gentle with myself and allow the flow of life.
Thanks for bearing with me readers, your support means everything! If you have been following long enough then you know that I do always come back. I am committed to this blog and my visions for it. I will be slowly tweaking this blog while building myBeyouthentic blog. Hoping to post at least monthly on both.
If there is anything in particular that you would like to know more about, please let me know.
I hope you are all well during these challenging times!💜