What Do We Do With Grief?

 

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Twelve years today,

your spirit whirled away,

far out of reach. 

It took all of these years

to move from the constant grief,

to face the fears

of a life with out you.

To see through the darkness 

that you held the light to.

In my heart the nostalgia sustains.

It’s the memories i keep 

that give me courage to face each day.

It’s been a treacherous journey just to get this far,

I wear proudly on my soul, the scar.

Today I feel that grief again,

like a dam trying to hold the flood

I tense up.

Afraid to feel,

my logic scrambles, how do we cope?

Throw yourself in homework,

paint, create!

Channel the grief for better.

For better my spirit screamed, now that’s just mean!

What do we do with grief?

We feel it,,we let the sorrow in, we honor the loss, we sit with that pain

because reality is, my life will never be the same.

Her smile, laughter and wisdom

are not in the flesh,

yes, she’s with me, but it’s not the same.

It’s not fair, my sadness weeps,

my daughter doesn’t have a grandmother

and its fucking sad, my grief bellows.

I let the flood take over me,

run through me, and fill me.

In the arms of my daughter

I set the tears free.

I am so blessed to have her, 

we are like you and me!

It is true, I have lost part of myself forever,

and it is also truth we are all together.

It’s okay to feel sad

my sorrow whispers.

It won’t consume

like it once had.

A cardinal appears

and I know you are near.

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This cardinal appeared a few hrs ago, right after I finished a good cry.

19429936_10212322039393646_8990911526266190717_n RIP my angel ❤

RIP Melody

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(Pictures of Melody)

I just found out that a friend of mine passed away a year ago. I knew her through Facebook; but, that doesn’t diminish for a second, the deep connection we shared. We had endless Facebook chats and spoke on the phone a few times too. We shared our pain, our stories and quite a few laughs. We called each other Warrior Goddess sisters. We chatted about family, men, life, death, grief, physical pain, mental illness, creativity, fairies, magic, God and the Universe.

 
Melody was there for me, the way good friends are. At the time I was Agoraphobic and living in a one bedroom apartment with my 12 year old daughter. My disability payments barely covered the rent. Melody always cheered me up and encouraged me. She’d tell me to summon my warrior spirit, and I would do the same for her. We were survivors. We took our turns with insomnia and depression, and we would always try to be there for each other.

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(Melody’s husband photo shopped these for us. Her the warrior, and me the fairy)

Melody was a giving person too. She was an artist, and jewelry artist. One day I received a package from her with a beautiful bracelet in it for my daughter, and a fairy necklace for me, that she had created, accompanied by a couple of handmade cards. She even once mailed me $11. cash for a bottle of wine! We called it drinking grapes! 🙂

 
The last time I spoke to her was 2012. We both had things to go through and we fell out of touch. I tried sending her a few messages through the years; but no reply. Her Facebook account wasn’t very active.

Today, in my Facebook memories, she came up. I went on her page to see if there was any new activity. The last posts were all of us wishing her happy birthday Sept, 2016. I scrolled down a little and there was a post that said RIP, and a few after that saying she passed away.

 
My eyes filled with tears. Her obituary says she died May 2016. She was only 54. No details or explanation, and per her request no memorial service. I have spent today processing this news, my emotions, and memories.

Emotions and memories of a woman that I have never met in person; yet feel so karmically intertwined with. I wished I had reached out more or there was something I could have done more for such a generous, humorous, beautiful spirit.

 
I can’t help but to worry that she was sick or in pain. She often was. It makes me sad to think she may have never got the healthy life she wanted. It makes me want to hug myself tight and be grateful that I have found the strength to persevere, and that I am still on this amazing planet Earth. I set free the guilt because that is what she would want me to do. No more suffering now, my Warrior Goddess sister! I hope your wild heart is free and your soul traveling like a magical gypsy. I’ll see you at the Fairy dance. I hold up my glass of grapes to you my Dear Melody! RIP

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When you lose your mom~

When you lose your mom,

An astounding amount 

of personal comfort

leaves with her.

If there’s no mom,

there is no one to stroke

your forehead when

you’re feeling down.

There is no one to call,

when you’re feeling alone,

because you’re miles from home

or nobody’s around.

Nobody to laugh with 

over life’s flaws and

idiosyncrasies.

Nobody to do

the happy dance

when you achieve

particular victories.

When you lose your mom,

You have to learn to self soothe,

whether you are sick or sad,

and through good or bad.

When you lose your mom,

no matter your age,

you become an orphan,

alienated, yearning

and disengaged.

You stand with shaky legs

and tread unsure.

When you lose your mom,

part of you goes with her.

A piece of you that 

you never get back

and will forever lack.

So, if you have a mom,

embrace her,

love&cherish her,

and thank her 

for always being on your side.

I did right up to the day

that she died.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MOM~FOREVER IN MY HEART

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The Lonely Living


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This time of year though filled with summer’s joy, will always have the memory of losing my mom hanging over me.

The following is an assignment on Literary Journalism from a Creative Writing course that I took shortly after my mom passed and before I was hospitalized for my breakdown.

My instructor gave me an A+ and wrote “powerful and evocative”

I came across it today in my papers and wanted to share it here.

 

The Lonely Living

June 29, 2005

( The Day after…)

The sky is gray, thunder rumbles in the distance, brewing for a grand release. I sense your anger for having to leave. I, too, am angry. I try to channel it into something constructive; but, I find myself becoming steel around the edges, too afraid to pause for I feel I will mourn forever. I hear you speak, “Breathe”, you remind me it’s okay. Light hides behind the black clouds, but I do not feel it’s warmth. The wind gathers strength as I try to absorb and gather the energy of the elements, like you taught me. Lightning flashes, thunder echoes with an eerie power I cannot help  but to believe you are that power I sense. Your magic unleashed now, free from it’s body. My tears burst forth in fury.

(after the storm)

Thank you for your release of anger and frustration. Now I am quiet and grieve as you weep gently. Thank you for bringing our family together today. We gathered in front of the picture window to watch the sky and listen to your story. Leaning on one another, no words spoken, only tears pelting against the window pane.

 

July 01, 2005

I cried for an eternity last night, released my fears, lost my might. I miss you mom, I feel empty inside. I know I said I’d be strong, I lied. A little girl and a woman alone, please mom, come home.

 

July 05, 2005

(just a couple of thoughts)

The biggest mystery to life…is death.

I feel so human today…it hurts.

 

July 09, 2005

I am forcing myself to go to Maine today. I just want to curl up and be left alone. It seems as the shock fades, the dark reality sinks in a little more each day.

 

July 10, 2005

Oh, Mom, I don’t know what to do, life is so lonely without you. My chest is heavy, my heart races with anxiety, my nerves are raw. It takes every little bit of energy to just exist. I am confused. I am weak. I don’t know how to get better. I erupt with emotions, yelling, begging.  I am left here with no one to understand me. I know I have to be strong, but where do I find the strength? My eyes are dry and sore. I want to curl up and fade away. A tiny flicker inside is the only light that keeps me going; but, the slightest breeze blows it out, leaving me exhausted and depressed, not knowing how to ignite it again, so i look for you, even s I write.

 

July 12, 2005

I look out to the land and feel my mother. She is here. I am crazy, but no…there she is, in every tree, flower and blade of grass. The cardinal sings a song of the past. Reality hits me, I am alone. Tears fall. The swing rocks gently, yet there is no breeze. Of course she is here, my fears put to ease. She will always be a part of me, and I of her. I am her legacy now and forever.

 

July 15, 2005

Here I sit, pause and reflect. There are small sections of time that I can forget; but, then I look and see something of yours,  or I miss you at dinner,or need to talk to you…and then I remember…you’re gone.

The other day I started a new job, and if you were here, I’d relive every moment and we would laugh with excitement.

The other night I cooked a great dinner, and if you were here you would have raved about my cooking and enjoyed every morsel. We’d have a glass of wine and toast “Here’s to the moment”!

If you were here, you would love the family room I created for you, your children and your grandchildren. You always liked the way I created great “vibes” in a room.

If you were here, we could sit on the porch swing and listen to the birds…If you were here, I would hug you and never let you go.

As I pause and remember, I realize you are not here, and I weep, sometime gently, sometimes with great belly aching roars. I do not know how this loneliness will ever leave me. I try to let go of you physically, so I can see the signs that you are here, and they comfort me; but , they cannot subside my grief.

 

July 17, 2005

I feel you everywhere; but,  not tangible. I can reach; but,  I don’t know where. I look into the woods half expecting to see you in some shape or form; but, you are not physical, and I do not know how to grab a hold of you. It is frustrating and heart wrenching. Nothing seems real, yet anything seems possible, nothing makes sense. I wait for you to find a way to communicate with me; but, does my mind delude me? Is it not possible for you to send  a sign? Do I just have the childish faith that my mother can do anything?  Yes, I do; It was you who taught me imagination, and sometimes that is where the true reality lies. So, the cardinals sing, I look, I swing, I wait……

 

July 18, 2005

It feels there are no words left that I can write to release my emotions.  I sit and wait for them to come to me; but, I sit in darkness.  Where are you sweet mother?  Do you not hear my cries?  Can you not comfort me?  No one but spirits to talk to.  The lonely living.  I seek answers that cannot be found.  Death seems not so bad anymore…however; I have too much to live for.  Until the day that souls unite…I pray, I march, I fight, and at the end of the day, I sit in exhaustion…I rest in the comfort of my imagination, and envelop myself with the mystery of the unknown.

 

Apart (poem)

In memory of mom

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Apart

A part of you lives in me, 
but a part of me is gone.

A part of me understands, 
and yet I feel all wrong.

A part of me wants to die, 
but it seems I must live.

A part of me fills with anger, 
but you taught me to forgive.

Yes, a part of you lives in me, 
and forever, a part of me is gone;

but rest my sweet mother, 
for both of us…I shall carry on.