Commitment&Consistency

Amazon.com: If you can't fly, then run, if you can't run, then walk, if you  can't walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving...  Martin Luther King Jr.

If you follow this blog, you already know that I lack in the latter of this post title. Consistency has definitely not been my strong suit. Then again, being a blog of someone who struggles with mental health, I suppose it isn’t a surprise. Consistency is an important element for mental and emotional well being, yet it can be challenging as all hell! To add to the dilemma I never had a firm routine growing up, being a daughter of a single mom. Therefore, it is yet another tool I have to learn or relearn as an adult.

I have been working with a success coach through Vocational Rehab for a little over a year now, her name is Dr. Deborah Osgood and I think I would have given up a long time ago if it weren’t for the support and encouragement from her and my VR caseworker, Lisa Beck, and of course, my therapist and family/friends. The goal is to start my own herbal business; but it is not a simple journey for someone with so many triggers.

The first trouble I had was responding to a “See, Hear, Experience, exercise called Challenging Reality. The worksheet asked you to visit your early life experiences, with questions like, 1) What did you hear about money and rich people early on in your life? 2)What did you see about money and rich people early on in your life? 3)What did you experience with money and rich people early on in your life? I might write a separate post about my answers; but, if you ever read my Being poor post, then you can imagine the feelings these questions brought to the surface. I held a deeply ingrained belief that I would always be poor and unworthy.

FinerMinds - Timeline Photos | Be gentle with yourself, Self talk, Words

It took almost a year to work on rebuilding my lack of abundance&worth mindset. Talk therapy and daily affirmations helped me slowly become more aware of how my thoughts and beliefs affected my reality. Believing you are always going to be poor and unworthy will keep you poor and unworthy. I had to retrain my brain and introduce new thoughts and ideas around money and self worth. Fortunately, the second step of the aforementioned exercise helped challenge those old beliefs and create current views.

I have been working diligently on reforming my routine and trying to ‘do it all’ I am still in herbal school and it is a lot, especially for somebody who has physical limitations and still in mental health recovery. I am learning to juggle, schoolwork, Voc rehab, building a business, health appointments, housework and self management. I have come a long way from my post on My daily battles which were basically just to get up, get moving, get outside and get to sleep!

I get discouraged that I am not further along; but I remind myself that I am doing things every day toward my goals. I often feel I should be doing more, but I know that I am honestly doing my best and mustn’t beat myself up.

Here are some pearls of wisdom and encouragement from Dr. Deb in our email correspondences;

“Congratulations on realizing that you “are and have been” productively working on multiple things all along that are contributing to defining and growing your business.”

“As you shared, homework and intern work definitely counts <smile>. While personal appointments, errands, and housework will also always be part of everyday life, this new perspective and practice simply ensures that your business goals remain a priority as well. 
…and not just a priority, but something to definitely celebrate as you also touched upon – excellent!!!

And I love this last one when I expressed to her that I was worried I wasn’t being consistent enough.

“As for your comment about “having to stay consistent,” I’d like to introduce a different perspective. 
I think I get what you mean in terms of you “have to stay committed to your goal…”, correct?
Even then, I invite you to be true to who you are. You do not enjoy mundane details and routine work. 
You are a loyal and devoted individual to people and causes you believe in. You also thrive on continued growth and are creative and inspirational. (this info is based on the Meyer Briggs personality test that I took on my first appointment with her, I am an INFP) By continuing to create and operate a business model that allows you to leverage these inherent strengths, you will be happy and you will not “have” to force anything.”

This really resonated with me. I realized that while I am still working on improving my ability to be consistent, I can celebrate the fact that I am committed, to my recovery, my health, my family, my goals, my blogs, my business, my education and so on. I can be gentle with myself and allow the flow of life.

Thanks for bearing with me readers, your support means everything! If you have been following long enough then you know that I do always come back. I am committed to this blog and my visions for it. I will be slowly tweaking this blog while building my Beyouthentic blog. Hoping to post at least monthly on both.

If there is anything in particular that you would like to know more about, please let me know.

I hope you are all well during these challenging times!💜

Be gentle with yourself

One of those Days

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Some days I am ecstatic with enlightenment and joy, 

I can flow easily and I feel blessed and loved.

Some days, I feel broken and useless, and unworthy.

I feel incapable and poor, and hopeless.

I feel I will never get up that mountain top and see the view.

I will always be at the foothill scrubbing the mess others left.

I am full of anxiety and grief and depression.

I use my tools like grounding and centering and acknowledging the many different aspects of myself. I validate them and hold space for them. I recognize my triggers and breathe.

Some days these tools work and some days I still cry through my housework, shake through simple tasks and my heart hurts as I panic about everything.

These days turn into a feat to survive without being swept away. 

These days turn into sleepless nights.

Some days I can flow, some days I can barely bear to breathe.

Today is one of those days.

Deep Breaths and Baby Steps

martin luther king jr quote

This is the frame of mind I have needed in my mental health recovery. Keep moving forward! When I had my nervous breakdown, I felt paralyzed. I was terribly sick physically and just existing was painful. Deep breaths and baby steps, became my mantra.

Healing has many levels and the journey is different for everyone. It has been 13 years since my breakdown and I’m still on the road of recovery.

Through the years, I often feel the return of that drudge pace, like I am walking in mud. Thinking I will NEVER heal, dragging my depression with all my might. Holding on to a thread of hope while I snail through life.

I feel like I have finally come out of the heavy and thick darkness, and I am standing where I can see the light at the other end of the tunnel; but, sometimes that light seems so far away. Each day, I pull myself out of the dark, acknowledge my fears, put my healing hat on and inch forward.

Some days, it takes a little push, others a brave leap, and then there are the days I just can’t move, and that’s okay too. 

Where every you are on your journey, hang in there! Know that all of those baby steps add up and you ARE moving forward. You ARE healing.

One deep breath and baby step at a time!!

maya angelou quote

 

Purging the Old/Creating the New

pic credit; Purge by SteakAndUnicorns

Happy Fall everyone! I unintentionally abandoned my blog through the summer. Alas, summer jobs and projects have come to an end and I find myself in transition.

I begin to reflect not only what summer’s bountiful lessons have taught me; but, I also am reviewing the whole year thus far, as the New Year quickly approaches.

Astrologically it has been a year of retrogrades. This summer there were six planets and Chiron in retrograde at the same time! Retrogrades can make you feel you are in reverse, as old patterns surface to be healed. Anxiety, change, eruptions of what no longer serves you, are all part of the process.

I felt all of the above. My year started out with no car and in turmoil. Early spring brought, The Teal Swan event that produced an ongoing healing and transformative experience. Then my 50th birthday which marked an intense milestone with much reflection, and my party that became a free for all for suppressed feelings my family was holding, which we are all presently healing and learning from. Then, Summer was a friggin’ rollercoaster ride! I mentioned in my Healing in Progress post, I began to shed old ways and in between nourished myself as much as possible before the next big wave came. Somehow, in addition, I managed my summer work, volunteered at the herbal school’s gardens, launched my herbal lotion site, aaaand, worked on my social life and relationships.

Wheeeeee!!!🤣

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It was not without a toll. I had my days of breakdowns and relapsed on smoking cigarettes almost all year. I am on my second week of quitting….again. At first I beat myself up, another old coping way. Then I gave myself a break and learned more about the part of me that needed to smoke. How she is afraid of all the growth and change and needs some sort of habit to make her feel safe. If I could, I would still be smoking; but, the effects on my health are undeniable and not conduit to my path of self love and healing.

I also had to learn to step away from relationships that were hurting me. I finally have begun to recognize that my self worth has been so low my entire life. Coming from trauma and abuse, I developed relationships that matched the internal scars I had. I let people treat me badly and held on just to be loved. This is a lesson I am still learning and practicing.

From the beginning of the year, I began to practice changing my reactions to crisis’s, such as losing my car,  My post Carless not Homeless was a realization for me. Growing up poor and witnessing the stress it took on my mother, I naturally took on the same reactions she used to have when something went wrong. For example, if the car broke down, sure enough my poor mom would too, crying out, “What else is going to go wrong!?”, “Why us!?”, “We can never get ahead!” These are all understandable reactions but they only perpetuate the feeling of despair and depression. I finally learned to let go of the old reactions and find gratitude and peace in the moment. Mind you, this is not without struggle and tears; but, it began a new way of life for me. Letting go of old thought forms makes way for new thoughts and life.

While purging the old, I have begun to create space for a new healthy mind, body spirit. I have created confidence in myself with work and volunteering. I am creating new friendships and relationships. I am creating health and core strength with yoga and a mostly vegan diet. I created an herbal lotion line and blog, which I will share here soon. I am creating the life I was once too afraid of.

Fall is the season of change. For me it is a bittersweet transition. I am always sad to see summer go, and begin dreading winter. This year, I am learning to be present in the moment and appreciate Fall’s magic, because it goes as quickly as summer does.

I created goals for winter that will hopefully keep me focused and motivated. I plan to build my lotion site and work on a book. I share that here to hold myself accountable. I also have shared these goals with people in my life, something I never do. That’s how I know I am serious!

In between seasons, I stop and take a breath first. Rest, restore, and then reboot.

I continue purging and transmuting old energies into life giving breath. I breathe in the life that awaits me. The life of highest potential. The life I deserve. It is a constant process with triggers, insights, tears and smiles along the way. I continue to heal myself so I can in return help heal others. 

“A Breakdown Doesn’t Mean You’re Broken”

nervous breakdown

“Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.”

 – Graham Parke in “No Hope for Gomez!”

 

Here’s some good advice on getting through breakdowns that I found by Billie Gardner on The Change Blog

 

Mental Breakdown

 

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The term “mental breakdown” (or nervous breakdown) isn’t an official medical term; but it is often used to describe an acute emotional or psychological collapse. When an  individual has reached a point where they are severely and persistently distraught and are unable to function at a normal level. In extreme cases one can suffer from hallucinations or “catatonic posturing” where the individual is unable to move.

Generally speaking , a nervous breakdown can follow a long period of stress that hasn’t been dealt with appropriately.

What “mental breakdown” meant for me was a complete halt to everything I ever thought I had under control. I had been diagnosed years before with depression and anxiety disorders; but had learned to live with them under the care of my doctor.

I can’t recall a singular incident that I can mark as the moment of my breakdown. Three days after my mother passed, I started a new job. Shock kept me functioning for awhile. I grew increasingly dependent on alcohol because I was too afraid to feel. Then one day, I cried and couldn’t stop. I couldn’t think. I paced frantically for hours. I didn’t sleep for 2-3 days at a time. I just simply could not function, and three months after my mother died I had my mental breakdown.

According to my doctor, it was my mother’s death that triggered a “clinical depression” resulting in a “mental breakdown”. Severe loss and grief compiled with a troubled relationship , pressures of inheriting guardianship of my teenage niece, attending college, working a new job and raising my daughter while financially drowning, finally resulted in hospitalization.

The memory is a big blur. I lay there with tubes in my arms and oxygen in my nose. My asthma had severely exacerbated. My body was so worn and weak. I couldn’t breathe. I had an infection that went through my lungs, sinuses and even my eyes. My mind was blank. I looked around and recognized that I was in the same room my mother had been in. That reality hit me hard. This was rock bottom and I was going to die if I didn’t get help.

After a week and a half in the hospital, my doctor strongly suggested disability. I had to quit my job, end my relationship and move to an apartment that I could afford being on disability. It hurt my pride to be deemed disabled but I was grateful for the opportunity to receive the assistance I needed, both financially and medically, while I learned how to heal.

The truth is, we all need help sometimes. If you ever think you may be breaking down, please get help. It does not go away if you ignore it and it only gets worse.


Symptoms of a breakdown can be mental, emotional &/or physical. You can experience one or more of the following: persistent & uncontrollable crying, disorientation, confusion, feelings of worthlessness, loss of self esteem, agitation, restlessness, mood swings,violent anger, paranoid thoughts and hearing voices, diarrhea, constipation, disrupted menstrual cycle, difficulty breathing, &/or loss of vision or memory.

1-800-273-TALK 
1-800-SUICIDE 

Perfecting Procrastination

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I’ve recently come to the slightly annoying awareness that I am a procrastinator. Ugh.

In my “before I was broken” world, to be a procrastinator meant you were lazy.

I’ve always shrugged the word but maybe I’ve misunderstood it.

Procrastinating means putting off or delaying doing something that “should” be done now.

After my breakdown, I had to learn in therapy to not overdo.

With time, I learned to really feel if I was becoming overwhelmed; and sometimes I had to reschedule or move around my responsibilities in order to avoid anxiety, depression or even another breakdown.

In other words, I had to learn to procrastinate, right?

That was almost nine years ago.

I have made an enormous amount of progress in my recovery.

I’m finally ready to do more, to bring on more.

But, now I’m wondering if I perfected procrastination so much that it’s a habit.

The past few weeks I rescheduled some appointments that my daughter and I had together.

Why? I didn’t feel good. I was tired. I had cramps. I was nauseous. She was tired. She didn’t feel good.

Should I have forced myself to go? Could I have? Because the appointments involved my daughter; I analyzed the situation and my behavior. I didn’t want to set this example for her. What was my problem?  I asked myself is this a symptom of depression?

I googled procrastination and depression together. Of course they were intertwined. A kind of chicken/egg thing as Dr. Richard O’Connor describes on his website Undoing depression (http://www.undoingdepression.com/about-depression/quick-tips/procrastination ) “Depressed people tend to be great procrastinators.”  But , “when we make ourselves face the task ahead of us, it usually isn’t as bad as we think, and we begin to feel good about the progress we start making.”

Dr. Bill Knaus says “In both procrastination and depression, you may avoid taking corrective action. For example, if you feel lethargic you may believe you don’t have the energy to take corrective actions. This pessimism is a catalyst for procrastination.”  He makes a good point when he states, “If you are in a depressed mood, do you really expect to feel motivated and know everything about depression first?” (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201004/end-both-depression-and-procrastination-now).

So, I guess my challenge is finding the balance between doing too much and not over doing.

Sometimes I need to motivate and make myself do what I have to. I have learned that showing up for life is half the battle.

There are other times when I need to take a break, to relax and listen to my inner needs.

Being aware that I have the tendency to procrastinate is the first step.

On goes the learning, the process and the healing.

Have a Great Weekend!!! 😀

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I found these quotes right after I published this post; so I had to add them. They are from The Daily Love. com

“Procrastination is the foundation of all disasters.”
– Pandora Poikilos
“You may delay, but time will not.”
– Benjamin Franklin  
“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”
– M. Scott Peck