Processing the Move

Wow, I am still moving!

My boyfriend is moving back into the house and it’s been nice to have the opportunity to really take my time and sort things; to decide on what I absolutely want to bring into my new life. My daughter and I made a big pile for a future yard sale. I also have some shelving and a few pieces of furniture that I am painting before moving them to my new apartment.

Moving is always emotionally, psychologically and physically draining to me. No matter what the particular circumstances are, it’s a process. There is something to let go of and say goodbye to while simultaneously saying hello to and having to adapt to something new.

I am saying goodbye to:

This big beautiful house and all the beautiful dreams that were supposed to come true here. I thought this would be where my boyfriend and I would grow old together and I would actually use the handicap bars in the bathrooms one day.

Goodbye to the land with all of its natural beauty and the big backyard and all the things I was supposed to plant.

Goodbye to the town of Kingston. It’s only the second time I’ve lived here. The first time was with my mom. We moved to the country from the beach so she could pass in peace. Kingston and I have an estranged relationship.

I’ve only lived in this house for a year; but, I definitely crammed it with several memories of family gatherings and parties. I’ve sat on the screened in porch for hours listening to nature. When my boyfriend and I got separated, I had this haven to heal. Though my reality was shattered. I built a new one.

I admit it was difficult to say goodbye and I’ve shed many sad tears. Also, it was disheartening to go from having so much space to moving into a complex where everyone is right next to each other. The walls are so thin, I could here my neighbor snoring! It has been a difficult transition. A far away voice kept echoing, “What are you doing idiot?”, “Why are you giving up this big ole house?” I replied, because, in the bottom of my gut where my instincts lie; I know it’s the right thing to do. My voices couldn’t argue with that!

I hold the vision and try to trust the process. I keep visualizing the life my daughter and I anticipated, and each day a few more baby steps are made.

I say Hello to a new life!

I welcome and am grateful for the housing assistance that enables me to live on my own and take care of my daughter. It has given me my independence back and a renewed sense of self sufficiency.

I say hello to apartment living where I only have a tiny yard to maintain and maintenance men if anything needs fixing.

I greet the city of Dover, where a short walk downtown, we can go to a museum or a cafe. There is a really cool music and artsy vibe.

I look forward to setting up my craft and writing corner in my room.

I can’t wait to meet the person I will become while living here.

My new life with my daughter is going to kick ass!

The downfall with having so much time to move, has made the transition longer and drawn out; but, although I still have things to move in, I have begun the unpacking phase and settling into my new environment. We have our cats here and the internet if finally connected. I’ve been cooking dinner and packing lunches. I even bought some flowers for our little entrance way. I’d say we are finally in our new home and beginning a new chapter!

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Update: Out Straight

Presently I write this post from my sick bed, which comes to me as no surprise, because I have been literally out straight. This month has been so jampacked that even a “normal” person might have had a breakdown.

On April 6th, I finally signed my lease after much running around acquiring paperwork and funds; but, I couldn’t even stop to think about moving, because I had to get ready to leave for Pennsylvania for my eldest brother’s wedding and reception. We were also to celebrate my nephew’s birthday and Greek Easter all in the same weekend.

On April 9th, I planned to leave after my daughter got out of school. There was one more stop. I had finally got a referral from my doctor to a gynecologist for my ovarian cysts. For three years I have been suffering with extreme pain and heavy bleeding. I was not expecting to accomplish much with my first appointment; but, much to my surprise I left there with a scheduled surgery for May 15th. So, with that spinning around in my head, I left to round up family members and head to Pa.

Seven hours later we arrived and we had a wonderful weekend. It had been about twenty years since all six of us siblings have been together in one place. I did overdo on the drinking, but I guess weddings are like that. I packed all the joy in my heart and left on Monday April 13th for my seven hour drive home.

April 16th was my birthday, my daughter had suggested Seussical, one of her friends from school was performing in it and well, I love Dr. Seuss! So of course we went. It was the first time I had been to a theater in years. I had great passion in my younger years for acting and it was nice to reignite that spark.

April 18th, FINALLY, I started to sort and pack boxes. Though Serenity and I camped out a few nights in our new apartment, we had nothing moved in. I spent the weekend packing and moved a few things in.

April 20th, my best friend (and brother in law) came to help me with heavy things. We spent the next few days moving and I got most of my things in. I still had a bunch of sorting and packing. I also had a few pieces of furniture I wanted to paint before I moved them.

April 24th, I went to work at my seasonal job cleaning hotel rooms. My boss had asked me to help open up a few rooms early. In the middle of moving? Why not?

April 25th, 3:00 am, my daughter is wining about her back hurting. I got her the heating pad and an anti-inflammatory. She continued to complain. In my exhaustion, I awoke angrily and had a meltdown. We screamed, cried, talked and hugged. We spent the rest of the day together in her room sorting and packing.

April 26th, neither one of us could move from the bed. I had extreme body pain, headache, stuffy nose, sore throat, cough, chest congestion. You name it! I had it!

April 29th, on the mend and back to the grindstone.

Wow! I’m Really Moving&I’m Terrified

As you all know, I’ve been looking for an apartment for my daughter and I since late last summer. After a few frustrating months, our location’s hunt changed as I explained in my post A New Direction; I found an arts and music based high school that I believe my daughter will thrive in.

Then a few more frustrating months went by with no luck. It’s been exhausting commuting my daughter to school, (over 3 hours in the car everyday). Frustration and Exhaustion combined with the severe winter months, life was feeling pretty bleak.

Then, in early March, my caseworker told me about a place that works with housing programs, (like the one she recently placed me on). It’s not really the environment I was looking for. I didn’t want to be in an apartment complex; but, trying to find an apartment with my disability income, and housing assistance is not an easy task….so I applied. There was a lot of running around and acquiring paperwork, such as security cards, proof of incomes, etc., but I had finally completed the application process, and a unit was going to become available April 3.

Then I had to figure out my deposit. I applied for a loan from the town, which I completed yesterday. The loan was granted and they put me on an affordable, two year payment plan.  A few hours later I stopped by to sign the lease, and get my keys.

At this point I should have been relieved; but, there was still another issue. I have two cats, they only knew about one. My caseworker had advised me to get in there with one cat and then ask about the other one. I had extreme anxiety because of the dishonesty. Then when we reviewed the lease, the pet policy read, “one pet”, my heart sank. I stressed all last night over it and woke up at 4am to email the office. I explained that I had two cats and was trying to follow my caseworker’s advice; but, my daughter and I both need our cats, as they are great therapy for our depression, and that I could get notes from our therapists if necessary. I got my daughter off to school and when I got back, I received an email saying as long as I got forms from our therapists they would allow the cats. There it was….relief.

Then came the fear and anxiety…..

Presently, I sit, there are no more obstacles. This is it. I am really moving..and I am terrified.

I am afraid of my agoraphobia being triggered, or falling into a depression…or having another breakdown.

I am terrified that somehow I won’t be able to do this.

Terrified to fail….to succeed…..to be alone or to be lonely.

Far beneath the terror, lies a little flame burning, reminding me that this is where I wanted to be. To be independent, self sufficient, to discover myself, my strengths, my abilities.

It is time….to jump…into the change I have been creating.

It is time for the next level of my life.

Afraid to jump, but looking forward to the exhilaration.

A New Direction

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My life has been in a state of limbo since August; when I came to the conclusion that I could not live with my boyfriend again.

I just moved into this house last December, and now I have to leave.

The dreams and plans my boyfriend and I had together came to a halt.

New dreams and plans of my own revealed themselves to me. A part of me that was sitting on a shelf for so long begged for recognition.

After visiting a social worker I found new hope in being able to sustain myself and my daughter with my disability income.

She kindly place me on a housing program called Bridges. They pay a portion of your rent until your name on the 8 year list for housing comes up.

I’ve been searching and have found nothing in the area I was looking in. I didn’t consider moving out of this area because my daughter is on her second year at her third high school and was doing better.

Ironically, her and I discussed a few weeks ago a school that is in Dover, NH, about 45 min away. C.A.T.A is an art focused community charter high school.

We went to check it out last week. The music classes were in session as they were preparing for their midyear media showcase. In one room, a chorus was singing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, and around the corner there was a teacher with a few students, instructing them how to play Led Zeppelin. I took one glance at my daughter in her Rolling Stones t-shirt and saw light around her.

Needless to say, we are looking in Dover now to live. The rents are cheaper and there is more available, so I don’t think it will be a long search.

Meanwhile, she starts tomorrow and I will make the 45 min drive; because if I have the opportunity to provide my daughter with an environment that she will thrive in; I’d drive across the world for that. To see her actually enjoy and participate these next few years in school will be worth the inconvenience.

So, a bright new direction finally portrayed itself. My life and dreams are a little less in limbo:)