Purging the Old/Creating the New

pic credit; Purge by SteakAndUnicorns

Happy Fall everyone! I unintentionally abandoned my blog through the summer. Alas, summer jobs and projects have come to an end and I find myself in transition.

I begin to reflect not only what summer’s bountiful lessons have taught me; but, I also am reviewing the whole year thus far, as the New Year quickly approaches.

Astrologically it has been a year of retrogrades. This summer there were six planets and Chiron in retrograde at the same time! Retrogrades can make you feel you are in reverse, as old patterns surface to be healed. Anxiety, change, eruptions of what no longer serves you, are all part of the process.

I felt all of the above. My year started out with no car and in turmoil. Early spring brought, The Teal Swan event that produced an ongoing healing and transformative experience. Then my 50th birthday which marked an intense milestone with much reflection, and my party that became a free for all for suppressed feelings my family was holding, which we are all presently healing and learning from. Then, Summer was a friggin’ rollercoaster ride! I mentioned in my Healing in Progress post, I began to shed old ways and in between nourished myself as much as possible before the next big wave came. Somehow, in addition, I managed my summer work, volunteered at the herbal school’s gardens, launched my herbal lotion site, aaaand, worked on my social life and relationships.

Wheeeeee!!!🤣

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It was not without a toll. I had my days of breakdowns and relapsed on smoking cigarettes almost all year. I am on my second week of quitting….again. At first I beat myself up, another old coping way. Then I gave myself a break and learned more about the part of me that needed to smoke. How she is afraid of all the growth and change and needs some sort of habit to make her feel safe. If I could, I would still be smoking; but, the effects on my health are undeniable and not conduit to my path of self love and healing.

I also had to learn to step away from relationships that were hurting me. I finally have begun to recognize that my self worth has been so low my entire life. Coming from trauma and abuse, I developed relationships that matched the internal scars I had. I let people treat me badly and held on just to be loved. This is a lesson I am still learning and practicing.

From the beginning of the year, I began to practice changing my reactions to crisis’s, such as losing my car,  My post Carless not Homeless was a realization for me. Growing up poor and witnessing the stress it took on my mother, I naturally took on the same reactions she used to have when something went wrong. For example, if the car broke down, sure enough my poor mom would too, crying out, “What else is going to go wrong!?”, “Why us!?”, “We can never get ahead!” These are all understandable reactions but they only perpetuate the feeling of despair and depression. I finally learned to let go of the old reactions and find gratitude and peace in the moment. Mind you, this is not without struggle and tears; but, it began a new way of life for me. Letting go of old thought forms makes way for new thoughts and life.

While purging the old, I have begun to create space for a new healthy mind, body spirit. I have created confidence in myself with work and volunteering. I am creating new friendships and relationships. I am creating health and core strength with yoga and a mostly vegan diet. I created an herbal lotion line and blog, which I will share here soon. I am creating the life I was once too afraid of.

Fall is the season of change. For me it is a bittersweet transition. I am always sad to see summer go, and begin dreading winter. This year, I am learning to be present in the moment and appreciate Fall’s magic, because it goes as quickly as summer does.

I created goals for winter that will hopefully keep me focused and motivated. I plan to build my lotion site and work on a book. I share that here to hold myself accountable. I also have shared these goals with people in my life, something I never do. That’s how I know I am serious!

In between seasons, I stop and take a breath first. Rest, restore, and then reboot.

I continue purging and transmuting old energies into life giving breath. I breathe in the life that awaits me. The life of highest potential. The life I deserve. It is a constant process with triggers, insights, tears and smiles along the way. I continue to heal myself so I can in return help heal others. 

Out with the Old~In with the New~

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My biopsy came back negative! No cancer!! (Pause for happy dance!!!) giphy

I can finally move on to celebrating the new year! I think it is going to be a year of more extreme change.  There was a lot of loss and grief felt in 2017. I can’t help but to believe that new and wonderful things are coming my way. Last year served many lessons, and I met them with perseverance, success,&growth. Not just growth, ascension. It was a year of extreme sadness AND extreme joy.

Beginning with bedbugs; We lost our beds, couches, chairs. Most of our clothes got damaged from having to repeatedly dry on high heat, trying to prevent re-infestations. The bedbug battle lasted from Dec 2016 to April 2017, leaving both my daughter and I depleted. 

April brought my “Holy birthday” and My Plant Journey had Begun! My herbal apprenticeship was a huge step for me. The anxiety I had to face every class was tormenting. The inner saboteur haunted me each assignment. I had panic attacks so bad that my arms would radiate with pain. My hands shook. My heart pounded so loud and fast, I couldn’t hear myself think. I just kept moving forward. I found magic in the plants, and in myself.

June brought the 18th birthday of my little girl. An emotional milestone.  Sadly, I also received news of my warrior sister, Melody’s passing.  June also brought the 12th deathversary of my mom. I sat with her pictures all around me and allowed myself to feel the grief. It surprised me that the pain of loss doesn’t leave, it just lives inside of you waiting to be acknowledged. That is when I posted What do we do with grief? Then, July brought the 1 year deathversary of my dad. I worked through some more Grief and Anger!

It was very hard to move through the thick fog of grief, loss, anxiety and depression. I collapsed here and there; but, picked myself up and held on to whatever coping skills I had. I began to gain healing and strength little by little, giving me a tiny bit of self confidence, something I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

September my daughter brought home lice from school and we struggled for three weeks trying to get rid of them, sending us both into bit of depression. She ended up in the hospital for a few weeks sorting it out. I kept going, the way moms do. The pressures of upcoming graduation and my little girl being in the hospital wore heavy on me.

Alas, November brought Graduation&Restoration! A time for celebration and then the hopes of a long winter nap! I journaled how proud I was of myself and really recognized how far I had come. Real growth had happened. I knew my mental health recovery had reached a whole new plateau.

The peace was short lived with the holidays approaching. Then I received news of another friend passing away and I lost my car. In the midst of loss, I found myself. I sat with calmness and gratitude. With all the loved ones who are no longer with me, I found gratitude in just being alive. With the loss of my car and the immediate panic, I sat with gratitude that I was Carless and not HomelessGratitude is a powerful healing tool. Like my mama used to say, “It can always be worse!”

Now 2018 is here! I have got a clean bill of health and I am ready to bring into my life new lessons, new friendships, new opportunities for growth. When one door closes, another opens. Letting go of the losses and welcoming prosperity.

Out with the old, in with the new!! 

Happy 2018 Everyone! ❤

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