One of those Days

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Some days I am ecstatic with enlightenment and joy, 

I can flow easily and I feel blessed and loved.

Some days, I feel broken and useless, and unworthy.

I feel incapable and poor, and hopeless.

I feel I will never get up that mountain top and see the view.

I will always be at the foothill scrubbing the mess others left.

I am full of anxiety and grief and depression.

I use my tools like grounding and centering and acknowledging the many different aspects of myself. I validate them and hold space for them. I recognize my triggers and breathe.

Some days these tools work and some days I still cry through my housework, shake through simple tasks and my heart hurts as I panic about everything.

These days turn into a feat to survive without being swept away. 

These days turn into sleepless nights.

Some days I can flow, some days I can barely bear to breathe.

Today is one of those days.

Preparing for Surgery

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Last year when I had my endometrial ablation (the removal of my uterus lining) I learned the hard way that I did not prepare very well. I tend to be headstrong, I’m an Aries and a survivor. I figured it was a minor procedure and I’ve got this. Everything was going to be okay. It really wasn’t okay. My recovery took longer than it was supposed to and it was really hard on both my daughter and I. I hadn’t asked family or friends for help; with the exception of a few rides from my niece to and from the doctors and hospital. Asking for help has always been difficult for me.

This time I am having a major surgery and tried my best to prepare. I learned how to ask for help. A good friend will be staying with us for the first week; then I’ve asked friends and family to check in on us and if possible, to bring a dinner; because, I know I won’t be able to cook much. I also bought some frozen meals and stocked up on groceries, including cat food and paper goods. I plan on cooking a few meals to freeze as well. I’ve refilled prescriptions, I made sure my daughter has transportation to school, I cleaned the house and I arranged a comfy chair in my bedroom, with stacks of books and magazines, a sketch pad and journal.

No matter how much I prepared physically; Mentally and emotionally, my anxiety couldn’t be calmed. I had to address some issues in therapy. First, I was aware that when reading the hysterectomy pamphlets, my body literally reacted with fear. My vagina clenched so tight I felt bruised. I realized that I always clench defensively when anything approaches that area, whether it’s for sex or an exam. I even have wondered if this is why I had to have a cesarean section.  I know it is related to trauma and the fact that I’ve been raped more than once. That forceful entry my body remembers no matter how far I push it from my mind. I discussed it with my therapist and I will do some EMDR sessions in the future; but, for now, I am learning to acknowledge, honor and send love and reassurance to that part of the body. Then I started to grieve and become very sad about losing my organs. They are a part of me. My uterus carried my daughter for me. I feel like I am abandoning them. As soon as I said the word abandon in therapy, my right ovary felt like I was being stabbed. I talked more about it with my therapist. I said I would sit down with a notebook and write down what my body wants to say to me. I told my ovary that I acknowledge it and I will deal with what it has to say as soon as I am able.

I keep reminding myself that the bottom line, is this is the right choice for my whole body. My uterus and ovaries are at constant risk of cancer and they are sick. I have to remove them. I thank them for their time with me and then try to detach from them as much as possible.

My surgery is tomorrow. I think I am as prepared as I can be. I have anxiety; but, I am doing my best to stay centered and grounded. Today I am doing laundry and some errands, then will make time for some meditation, prayer and positive visualization.

Tonight will be sleepless…

When you lose your mom~

When you lose your mom,

An astounding amount 

of personal comfort

leaves with her.

If there’s no mom,

there is no one to stroke

your forehead when

you’re feeling down.

There is no one to call,

when you’re feeling alone,

because you’re miles from home

or nobody’s around.

Nobody to laugh with 

over life’s flaws and

idiosyncrasies.

Nobody to do

the happy dance

when you achieve

particular victories.

When you lose your mom,

You have to learn to self soothe,

whether you are sick or sad,

and through good or bad.

When you lose your mom,

no matter your age,

you become an orphan,

alienated, yearning

and disengaged.

You stand with shaky legs

and tread unsure.

When you lose your mom,

part of you goes with her.

A piece of you that 

you never get back

and will forever lack.

So, if you have a mom,

embrace her,

love&cherish her,

and thank her 

for always being on your side.

I did right up to the day

that she died.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY MOM~FOREVER IN MY HEART

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I Cry….Alot (poem)

I cry for the Earth
and for mankind
I cry becuase
I am human.
I cry if someone hurts me,
then,
I stop crying.
Big girls don’t cry
my daddy told me.
He couldn’t have known
how many tears I
would have to hold,
to be strong&bold.
I cry at movies
and surfaced memories.
The past makes me cry,
so does the future.
I cry because I can.
I cry in pain
and with joy.
Music, Art and Love
make me cry.
Grief makes me cry
the most.
I cry for road kill
and oil spills.
I cry for a cruel world
and for it’s kindness.
Acceptance speeches
at Award shows
make me cry.
I cry in beauty
and in mystery.
I cry for Jesus
I cry with the devil.
There is a well
in the pit of
my stomach,
that holds all the
tears never wept.
I wear waterproof mascara
and cry in silence.
I choke up in emotion
hoping nobody notices.
I try to cry alone,
in my solitude.
Most of all
I cry
to heal.