Pure Panic


This past Friday, I had a major panic attack. I hadn’t had one in a long while. They happen when my anxiety spins out of control. I have managed my anxiety pretty well; but, sometimes it sneaks up on me, and before I know it I am in pure panic mode.

When it rains it pours, and I was soaking wet. Last Thursday my niece had showed me a bedbug she found in the middle of the night. It’s been two months since that hell and now they were back. Friday my best friend and nieces dad was getting out of detox for alcohol and coming back to stay at my place. They both have been staying here because they are basically homeless. My best friend was drinking heavily again and we got into two nasty and emotional arguments. So, he went to detox. I really wasn’t feeling ready to have him back; but, he had no where else. Then out of nowhere my sister attacked me verbally and I felt deeply hurt. These things coupled with the fact that I had orientation on Sunday for my new herbal apprentice class stressed me out immensely.

My anxiety couldn’t be calmed even with xanax. My heart was pounding loud and fast. My hands shook and sweat poured out of me. I felt nauseous. I thought how am I going to do this course, with all of this going on? I can’t do it! I cried. I tried to do a meditation for anxiety and still couldn’t manage my panic. Fortunately, I had therapy that day. The first thing she had me do was ground. Put my feet on the floor feel the connection to Mother Earth. She said it’s okay to be scared, then the tears flowed. I was terrified. I was scared that this bedbug problem will never get under control. I was nervous about my best friend and I getting into an argument. I was stressed having less space in my apartment with everyone staying there. I felt depressed over my sister’s comments, and I was scared to take this class. My social anxiety was booming.  After grounding and crying it out, my therapist gave me some DBT interpersonal skills to work on to prepare for Sunday.

Pure panic had me in it’s grip for a bit; but, after facing the fear and letting emotions flow I felt better. I went to my Orientation and it went very well. Yesterday they treated again for bedbugs. My niece and best friend are looking for a place. I am not taking my sister’s comments personally, she has her own stress going on.  

All is good for the moment. Just breathe….



pic credit from holistichealthliving.com 


Stressed. Sick. Scared


Stressed=Sick=Scared, it’s a viscous cycle.

Stressed. The whole process of my temporary job caused me a heavy load of stress, not all bad; but, stress just the same. The way my body reacts to stress? Depression, anxiety, insomnia, poor eating habits, constipation, muscle tension and migraines. My body becomes worn and prone to sickness. 

Sick. Three weeks ago, I had to call into work on what would’ve been my last day. My daughter hadn’t been feeling well, and I assumed I picked up whatever bug she had. I had stomach pain, headache, stuffed up nose and just plain old exhaustion. We both rested as much as possible for the rest of the week. My daughter complained about her ears, so I made her a doctor’s appointment. I was feeling a little better and thought I was going to be okay. Late last week, I brought my daughter to her appointment and I was feeling awful. Extremely sore throat, chest congestion and body aches. I made an appointment for myself. Yesterday I saw my doctor. I have a sinus infection and my asthma is exacerbated. Not to mention that my bowels are impacted and my ovaries are in a great deal of pain. I was put on Prednisone (a steroid I know all to well after a lifetime of asthma), antibiotics and a bunch of Miralax.  I also have to get ultrasounds for my ovaries and colon.

Scared. Being sick always equals depression for me. After a lifetime of asthma, it doesn’t scare me as much as it used to. However, the situation with my ovaries does. If you remember, I had a surgery last year around this time to remove my uterus lining. It relieved the heavy bleeding and therefore some of the ovary pain. Unfortunately, the ovary pain returned. I saw a new gynecologist three months ago and she put me on the birth control pill in hopes of helping. She told me if it didn’t then to think of what I wanted removed, just ovaries, or ovaries and uterus. She explained that with the symptoms I have, and for how long I’ve had them, she is assuming I am pretty corroded. She informed me to call in a few months and let her know if the pills helped. They did for two months. This month my pain is back with vengeance. I have an appointment for March 14, and most likely will be discussing surgery. After a long talk with my doctor yesterday, I learned that t endemetriosis can affect my colon as well, and there could be adhesions everywhere. I concluded that to ever get any real relief, I have to have surgery; but, I’m scared.

Being scared brings naturally brings me right back to stressed. 😦

Update: Out Straight

Presently I write this post from my sick bed, which comes to me as no surprise, because I have been literally out straight. This month has been so jampacked that even a “normal” person might have had a breakdown.

On April 6th, I finally signed my lease after much running around acquiring paperwork and funds; but, I couldn’t even stop to think about moving, because I had to get ready to leave for Pennsylvania for my eldest brother’s wedding and reception. We were also to celebrate my nephew’s birthday and Greek Easter all in the same weekend.

On April 9th, I planned to leave after my daughter got out of school. There was one more stop. I had finally got a referral from my doctor to a gynecologist for my ovarian cysts. For three years I have been suffering with extreme pain and heavy bleeding. I was not expecting to accomplish much with my first appointment; but, much to my surprise I left there with a scheduled surgery for May 15th. So, with that spinning around in my head, I left to round up family members and head to Pa.

Seven hours later we arrived and we had a wonderful weekend. It had been about twenty years since all six of us siblings have been together in one place. I did overdo on the drinking, but I guess weddings are like that. I packed all the joy in my heart and left on Monday April 13th for my seven hour drive home.

April 16th was my birthday, my daughter had suggested Seussical, one of her friends from school was performing in it and well, I love Dr. Seuss! So of course we went. It was the first time I had been to a theater in years. I had great passion in my younger years for acting and it was nice to reignite that spark.

April 18th, FINALLY, I started to sort and pack boxes. Though Serenity and I camped out a few nights in our new apartment, we had nothing moved in. I spent the weekend packing and moved a few things in.

April 20th, my best friend (and brother in law) came to help me with heavy things. We spent the next few days moving and I got most of my things in. I still had a bunch of sorting and packing. I also had a few pieces of furniture I wanted to paint before I moved them.

April 24th, I went to work at my seasonal job cleaning hotel rooms. My boss had asked me to help open up a few rooms early. In the middle of moving? Why not?

April 25th, 3:00 am, my daughter is wining about her back hurting. I got her the heating pad and an anti-inflammatory. She continued to complain. In my exhaustion, I awoke angrily and had a meltdown. We screamed, cried, talked and hugged. We spent the rest of the day together in her room sorting and packing.

April 26th, neither one of us could move from the bed. I had extreme body pain, headache, stuffy nose, sore throat, cough, chest congestion. You name it! I had it!

April 29th, on the mend and back to the grindstone.