One of those Days

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Some days I am ecstatic with enlightenment and joy, 

I can flow easily and I feel blessed and loved.

Some days, I feel broken and useless, and unworthy.

I feel incapable and poor, and hopeless.

I feel I will never get up that mountain top and see the view.

I will always be at the foothill scrubbing the mess others left.

I am full of anxiety and grief and depression.

I use my tools like grounding and centering and acknowledging the many different aspects of myself. I validate them and hold space for them. I recognize my triggers and breathe.

Some days these tools work and some days I still cry through my housework, shake through simple tasks and my heart hurts as I panic about everything.

These days turn into a feat to survive without being swept away. 

These days turn into sleepless nights.

Some days I can flow, some days I can barely bear to breathe.

Today is one of those days.

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Winter Haiku

Winter by Galder

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Pic credit)  Winter by Galder

 

Oh, January!

So long, cold, bitter and dark

Leaving me alone

 

The New Year hope fades.

Resolute, Transformation

Hibernate and Cry

 

Forced to look within

Release what no longer serves

Reborn in the Spring

 

Old Man Winter’s Love

Brutal, Strong and Fatherly

Lessons learned, Growth gained.

 

 

Tears of Gratitude

tears

The highest risk of stroke has passed
yet lingers over me
The awe and shock ever last
I sit and contemplate gingerly
Tears of gratitude
fill my eyes
How lucky I am to be alive
The gift of life seldom realized
until you almost die.
I ponder on how fragile health can be
and all that my body does for me
An amazing machine in constant motion
despite any given thought or notion
I send love to every cell of my being
to know it has my back is truly freeing,
I’ve been so aggressive in my journey of healing
Not listening to how parts of myself were feeling
Thinking I had to hurry up and succeed
Remorse for pushing so hard to exceed
It took my artery to tear and bleed
to teach me to slow down and breathe
I open my heart and let joy pump through me
my blood, and arteries,
I release and set free my aggression
Allowing a newfound respect for my body
Thankful to Creator for this lesson
Life is a precious gift, each moment a tiny present
I sit quietly in gratitude and cherish every second

tears of grattue

The Dark Side of my Mind

Light in the darkness by SjerZ
(pic credit; Light in the darkness by Sjerz)

The dark side of my mind,

is not my favorite place.

Lurks in corners, fragments of

memories, I fervently tried to erase.

The darkness fills me with fear,

yet gentles itself as I become near.

I approach, and I embrace

the dark side of my mind,

like before & now again,

Love is what I find.

Love for pieces of me,

left behind, and alone.

I have come back to them,

to bring them home. 

Now I see, the darkness

is a part of me,

as well as the light.

There is no reason 

for these two parts

to fight.

The dark side of my mind,

though not my favorite place,

I integrate, I heal,

and I listen, for the call

of and welcome,

the dark side of my mind.

Grateful for it’s beckon

and assisting me

in setting my mind free.

 

 

Rainy Day Healing

rainydayRaindrops on the window

Wild winds blow the tree tops

Candles are lit

Incense perfumes the air

Sitting still, I close my eyes

White light fills me

Third eye goes blind 
rainyday2

Ego distracts

Spirit pulls me back

Be calm

Listen to the silence

The echoes of the wind

speed up with urgency

Tree branches sway to the turbulence

Dancing with the storm.

Gray skies embrace me with neutrality.  All that was is set free.  All that will be,

is  here and now.  Open my arms to receive the love.  Closing my eyes again

my third eye beams indigo, letting ego go…

Deeply rooted with the trees, I learn their dance.  Cleansed by the rains and wind.

I allow the healing in….

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Wounded Woman

5bc9e87e975941fc2b3f8f495690f93a-d3bxc9o                                            pic credit/Cold Wounds by badccintra

 

Wounded Woman

You can tell by the look in her eyes.

A beautiful sadness, silent cries.

The lines of her face

mark passages of time.

The scars and stories, she can’t erase.

Wounded Woman

She carries immense weight

on her shoulders.

A lifetime of trauma and pain;

but, the heaviness doesn’t stop her

from dancing in the rain.

dancing in the rain

Wounded Woman

twirled and thrusted

until she broke through

to the other side.

Alas, in Great Spirit she trusted,

and set herself free,

never again to hide.

Wounded Woman

She wove her wounds

like an intricate web of Grandmother Spider;

as she journeyed deep inside her.

She found the truth and beauty

of her own old soul.

Her spirit held all the selves, the keys.

Thus, Wounded Womanbecame whole. …<3

 

breakdown

What Do We Do With Grief?

 

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Twelve years today,

your spirit whirled away,

far out of reach. 

It took all of these years

to move from the constant grief,

to face the fears

of a life without you.

To see through the darkness 

that you held the light to.

In my heart the nostalgia sustains.

It’s the memories I keep 

that gives me the courage to face each day.

It’s been a treacherous journey just to get this far,

I wear proudly on my soul, the scar.

Today I feel that grief again,

like a dam trying to hold the flood

I tense up.

Afraid to feel,

my logic scrambles, how do we cope?

Throw yourself in homework,

paint, create!

Channel the grief for the better.

For better my spirit screamed, now that’s just mean!

What do we do with grief?

We feel it,, we let the sorrow in, we honor the loss, we sit with that pain

because reality is, my life will never be the same.

Her smile, laughter, and wisdom

are not in the flesh,

yes, she’s with me, but it’s not the same.

It’s not fair, my sadness weeps,

my daughter doesn’t have a grandmother

and it’s fucking sad, my grief bellows.

I let the flood take over me,

run through me, and fill me.

In the arms of my daughter

I set the tears free.

I am so blessed to have her, 

we are like you and me!

It is true, I have lost part of myself forever,

and it is also true we are all together.

It’s okay to feel sad

my sorrow whispers.

It won’t consume

like it once had.

A cardinal appears

and I know you are near.

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This cardinal appeared a few hrs ago, right after I finished a good cry.

19429936_10212322039393646_8990911526266190717_n RIP my angel ❤